Even in the dark they can see I'm lying.

…still in the dark.

"Listen, I just watched that National Treasure movie and I can't find the secret drawer in my desk. Send someone to help me with my drawers."

"Well we can't blame the last administration anymore. Any ideas?"

"What do you mean apologizing for Benghazi isn't working?"

"Hello? China? We're going to need another trillion."

"Cliff. Fiscal Cliff. Who the heck is this guy and why is he so dangerous?"

"Hello? Yes, my shoes are off… Okay, so that gets me to twenty, right? So how do I count to twenty-one, then?"

"See, here's the thing, when I said I'd be more flexible after the election, that was sort of a lie. It's nothing personal, I lie to everyone. In fact, I'm lying to you right now. Let me be clear, I'm still 'flexible,' and it's 'after the election,' so I really wasn't lying, do you see it how works?"

Hey, Reggie, wanna go on vacation with me? You pack the lube and I'll pack the fudge.

Hiya, Reggie, wanna come over and play proctologist?

You have failed me for the last time, Joe…

What? You mean the sequester is actually MY fault? I can't blame it on Bush?

What do you mean I have to start taking responsibility for my own screwups now? You mean I can't blame it on Bush?

My approval numbers are that low already?

Wait! Let me apologize to North Korea one more time!

another one of my rolling blackouts

Country is over, turn off the lights

Look, if all else fails, blame Hillary for Benghazi.

Don't worry, I'm used to "working in the dark".

Look, Tiger says I can turn pro with a little more practice. So schedule me some more tee times.

It's easier to work in the dark because I blend in so well.

Yeah, I've got Michelle ready to run in 2016 so I can stay in the White House for eight more years.

Turn out the lights the party's over

Eh, yeah, is that sequestration thingy suppose to affect the lights too?

With Michelle skiing in Colorado, Barry dials a premier DC Escort service for a little R&R of his own.

No, I don't care WTF is happening in Benghazi, and neither does anybody else!

Yup, everything is going well! We're running on 100% solar power here!

Got it – attacking our ambassador in Benghazi, anniversay of 9-11… Got anything important, or can I got to bed now?

How can I get more vacation days and make the people think I'm actually working?

"Joe, I told you keep Soylent Green our secret."

"Damn I forgot about Caller I.D."

"Okay Putin. You give us your orphans and I'll send you naked photo of Pelosi."

" I'm sorry Barry. God won't take your call."

Let me get this straight… I can't use the name King Hussein because it's already taken by a Middle Eastern Leader?

No Tiger, don't worry… We can play golf… Yeah, for 9-10 days… No, Michelle won't mind. It will be just US TWO… uh, I gotta go. (Whispers) See U Soon.

Damn! I spent so much I can't even pay the electric bill!!

If I wasn't wearing this white shirt, they probably couldn't even see me…

Well, It's about fucking time you guys came back online. I'd just about given up on this site.

Obviously, we wish Solyndra hadn’t gone bankrupt.

"My sycophants took out all of the light bulbs. Now no one can see the real me"

Yeah, Tim? Now that Solyndra went belly up send $90 billion to Yankee Candle so I can see what the f#@! I'm doing.

It's starting to get dark out, how long have we been shooting the shit?

"WOW! This VIP suite in Federal Prison really re-creates the look and feel of the Oval Office!"

Okay, so you won't – do you know anybody that WILL defend me at my impeachment?? I'm running out of daylight here!

As quickly as you can, Joe super-glued me to the chair again.

"Whaddaya mean we can't afford to pay the light bill?"

Oh man, I gotta go. Those delivery burritos are kicking in.

(I love to cut the cheese when I'm on the phone!)

Look, John Kerry says I have the "right to be stupid".