Look, I got a mandate from the voters so I want my coronation to go on like we planned.

Now that I got four more years, I want to finish playing all those fancy golf courses that I missed the first four years.

Look, you make sure somebody else takes the blame for Benghazi. I don't want my legacy screwed up.

Now that we got the Republicans down, I want to kick them again while they are down so play the "race" card again.

Get the liberal media in here, I want to make sure we destroy this country from within.

Now you listen to me. Um… I have…uhh…another beer summit today, and I want a pizza with everything on top. Um…if you can, shape it into a big circle like my, uhh… Campaign sign…and ummm, bill it to the people.

Listen to me, not to them! I don't give a damn if the teleprompters want a vacation. I want the promised four-year overhaul on them done immediately!

"That's right, put Biden in a box and don't let him out for the next four years. Are we clear?"

"Now wait…wait a minute…you're saying we can't we blame Bush for Benghazi? Why not? Explain that again."

"No, see, I was thinking why does the flag need to be red, white AND blue. Can't we just make it red? And put a hammer or something in there, so people know I'm tough. Yeah, a total re-design…"

"Look, I envisioned my face on Mt. Rushmore, that sneering condescension look… Cost? Hey, I have trillions I can spend, buddy, so make it happen!"

I don't care what it takes, just force them to buy the health insurance! It's in the Constitution!

Look, I want FOX and Rush Limbaugh shut down; I will have no more opposition!

Does it look like I care about your f*cking liberty? Buy the insurance or go to jail!

I swear, Joe, I'll superglue your mouth shut if you say something stupid again!

Look, I don't care that you're under fire right now; tee time is in 10 minutes!

Joe, if you say something stupid one more time, I'm putting you back in chains!

Obama: I swear, the fish was THIS big!
Guy on other end: Yeah, I've heard that one before…

C'mon Putin! You didn't really believe that stuff I said about more flexibility, did you?

There has to be a better way to discredit them….we've already tried calling them extremists so let's call them racists this time around.

What did you expect, miracles? I had an absentee father and a leftist mother. I could so easily have screwed this up.

"Whoa, whoa. Slow down. What do you mean they found out the birth certificate is fake? We'll handle it the same way we handle every other 'fire.' The media is on it, relax."

Hello, Tech Support…I've got a computer problem and I think it's George Bush's fault…

Yes, uhhhh, of course I realize that I, uhhhh, only sound intelligent when I have a uhhhh, teleprompter…

Information? Hello, this is the President…I need the number for 9-1-1!

"Lord and Savior speaking."

No, Joe, we have to spend it BEFORE we get it. What are you, a Republican?

And I want a double order of chitlins on both sides.

Yes, Mrs. Smith, anybody who makes less than $250k can go on food stamps. The others will pay for it.

Now, remember, don't give anybody a list of cuts we're going to make, because we're not going to make any cuts.

Yes, it's written on my hand. The code to hack the voting machines is…

Rev Wright, I promise I'll sit in the front row again.

Damnit, Joe! For the fifth time — we want Susan Rice, not Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State!

How many times do I have to say it? Beginning next month, I want Biden monitored and Fox shut down.

No, that was the plug for the Demwits server. Pull the other one.

"Look President Peres, I know Israel needs us, but I've got Beyonce' on the other line…"

Listen! People have stopped looking for work. That proves the Recession is over.

So, Hilary, what are you wearing?

What do you mean I have to push one for English? That's racist. What about Arabic or Russian?

Sandra,for the last time. It's not my fault. Those damn Christians don't want to pay for your birth control, K-y and abortions.

Ok Soros and Trumpka. Now that I'm reelected, I can get your 'America destruction' agenda rolling.

"Wait a minute Ambassador Stevens, if you're playing 'Gears of War' Joe knows a few cheat codes"

Suck on this America!

Yes, Dave and I are still friends. But if you're not seeing him any more …

"I plan to bailout Hostess Bakery, State will hire the Twinkies, the Secret Service will hire the Ho-Ho's, the Military Brass will hire the Cupcakes and Congress gets the Ding-Dongs"

Please baby I wo'nt smoke a blunt with my Old English and then beat the hell out of you after I have had my booty call.Just come back we will make right this time

Bibi, why can't you just let Hamas do what they want?

"What about a tax on those who don't vote democrat? Can we do that?"

"I'm thinking of bailing out the federal government. How do I do that?"

"Because my phone has way more buttons on it than yours does, OK?"

"Vladimir, hold on a minute. I know I said 'after the election,' but it's only been three weeks, OK?"

"Mitch, I am too offering to cut spending! Instead of increasing the deficit by 2 trillion next year, I'm only going to increase it by 1 trillion!"

"No! Tell them no "Allah Akbar" until after the swearing-in ceremony is completed!"

"Hello. Ben? Ben who? Listen I can barely hear you for all of that noise on your end, sounds like your having a wild party or something. Ben Ghazi? I don't know a Ben Ghazi. I'm hanging up now."

Well Mitt Romney said…..

Forget Iran, you really think Notre Dame will win the national championship?

Hello, mainstream media? Now that the election is over you can tell all those college kids who voted for me that I am cutting access to Pell Grants by one-third.

Do I actually have to work with the House these next four years?

Hey, Sandra, how'd you like to be on the Supreme Court?

Jay-Z, the White House will keep you on speed dial for another four years.

Ok…maybe it wasn't that satirical movie on Islam…..let's just go with Hillary was having her period.

Now hold on Michelle. The common folks are going to get upset if the Hawaiian vacation is going to cost that much!

What's with all this bad-mouthing of the mainstream media? I think they're spot on!

Here's my take, Mr. Boehner: your House agrees to my plan. That's they way it will be in the future. Get used to it!

Benjamin, why do you always have to 1-up my plan to give away your country?

No, it's easy … just one drop of super glue on the thumb. Hanging up is the tough part.

No. No. No. I want the 14,000 sq. ft. villa on the hill right above the waves. Make sure the servants know I want my golf clubs polished every day. You got that?

If you take the fall for Benghazi, Joe, I promise you eternal life.

Now that I have helped you get Hillary out of the house for the past 4 years it's your turn to help me, Bill.

Thanks Bill, now that you've helped me screw the country for another four years how about a round of golf?

Look…for the last time…STOP CALLING ME TRUMP My fak…umm I mean…my birth certificate is in the mail. I was born and raised in Keyn…aaaa…Hawaii

Woah… we could use Santa Claus now to insult the right, it worked with Big Bird… right? Wait.. how 'bout Cookie Monster???

No Nancy! Relax! Joe just forgets dressing below the waist… just let him run around, he'll lay down and go to sleep soon.

I am not George Bush! And I'm not going to do a thing about Syria, Libya, Israel and nukes ready to launch, I need to see them. When I see these first hand then I'll think about it.

Look get off my back about the nukes and the middle east… I have to go to Myanmar and spend more money.

No! You're not listening… I have never said I know what I am doing or how I am going to do it!

Ok… Now that we have another term, we need to start working on making me king…

Now… We already have plans to get their money, now we need to work on getting their guns and freedom…

By the way, can we also get my name up in Christmas lights this year?

Look…I don't care how much it cost and I don't care if we are about to go over the ficical cliff. I still need to book those tikets to Hawaii. What??? 2 weeks??? That just what I told the people…I need to be gone till this thing blows over… make it a couple of months.

No, Xi, it's "fiscal cliff," not "fiscar criff."

Can't I just deploy some Navy SEALs or a drone strike to deal with this "fiscal cliff" thing?

Will I be able to launch my glider off the fiscal cliff?

When I see someone rich, both my hands start to itch. Just to find some peace of mind I've got to pick a pocket or two (by raising their taxes of course).

Let "The Brotherhood " know the U.S. position will not change. We will not support the "infidels" who set fire to our buildings.

hey !! Listen …I have better plan to destroy this constitution.

And we'll scratch out the part about Bill of Rights and fill in our new mandates right there-sound good?

You guys at CNN make my chode this high when you blow me

I know I told them I would give them citizenship!!! So I lied the elections over send them back!!!!

But I have created new jobs… It takes work to stand in line at social services!!!

Not now Michelle, I am on the phone with Pat Quinn's representive since he don't want to talk in person

And then Anderson Cooper's dick grew THIS big

I told you I will worry about where the money is coming from… Just keep working I want those concentration camps up and running by the end of the year…..

I know I should not have smoked crack and sucked his di#k….Just find out how much it will cost to keep his mouth shut?

I understand people lost there jobs at Hostess But don't forget that means more openings at Social Services.

Tell Psy it's cool, I don't like Americans either.

Chris Matthews, you are one hot man, am I still giving you that tingle up your leg?

No. You tell Ms. Valerie Jarrett I do NOT want the old Solyndra building for my Presidential Library.

Heal, I am your Savior

My teleprompter is telling me to tell you that kids this tall can get foodstamps and vote.

Michelle tells me it looks more presidential to hold the phone with one thumb.

Thats right, i'm using my new opposible thumb right now to hold the phone to my ear, order a set for the rest.

What do you mean my family and I will have to go on obamacare?

Put Joe back in chains and bury him for the next four years. I'm not taking any chances.

WAASSUUPPP!!!!

Do the math. $200,000 makes you a millionaire.

Damnit Kim, I told you to shoot off the missile December 21st; not December 12th, you dyslexic fool!

Talk to my hand. You can see my hand through this device, can't you?

So, if we repeal the 2nd amendment…. Does that make the 3rd amendment the NEW 2nd amendment?

What do you mean I can't get a pizza for $10 anymore!!..Healthcare costs?.?..damn..I should have thought that through more…..

And you planted several scary looking rifles, some magazines, a couple of grenades, and a rocket laucher? Now we'll get that ban passed.

Yes, Hi, i want to place an order for a new American Flag. No a new one, not Red White and Blue… i want it to look the same, but it should be Black and Blue… you know like all of those Americans I keep throwing down an kicking repeatedly? You for example…

Ok..Ok..Slow down Joe..The monster in your closet was how tall?.?.This tall!..

Can't you tell by my gestures?… What? No. Make no mistake, there's a cameraman here so I'm using hand gestures while speaking on the phone with you because it gives the impression as if I'm intelligent and that my input might be knowledgeable or worth listening to.

Put the fries on top of the beef, then the bacon, four cheeses, soak it in ketchup and mayo, and then the bun… That's how Michelle likes her burger.

Hold on sir, you can explain to me how to run a nation another time. Honeybooboo came back on.

Look, I know I never signed anything into law called the 2nd amendment.

Brother Mahmoud, listen, I got the Egyptian Brotherhood 20 F-16′s——I am sure I can get you 10 F-22′s.

Look, nobody knows who Grant is. I think MY face should be on the $50 bill. In fact I think I should be on ALL currency as a reminder of where the money comes from.

Mr. President… for the last time… Ms. Clinton has a concussion and cannot answer any questions.. your pot drop in Myanmar isn't happening… are you sure you tried all the guys on the corners? Signing off sir…*click*

No, I said

BUSSA.. CAP.. IN.. YO..

You sure you got that? Hawaii next week. Martha's Vineyard the week following. The coast of Spain for the whole month after that. Then…

Wait just a minute! You mean to tell me that I can get a bucket of chicken without the bones?