I thought faking my injuries for the Purple Heart was impressive but faking sympathy after Sandy to get re-elected? No wonder you're President.

I'd really like to stay and chat but I've really got to go take an Obama.

Seriously? You made me Secretary of State? What were you thinking?

Ok… Now get rid of Biden and pick me for VP!

Good afternoon, your highness!! I mean Mr President!

I hope you do not throw me under the bus like you did Hillary.

"Just stop and think about it…." "If you had a nickle for every time you've lied you'd be richer than Romney."

Good going, Barry. I only tricked the military into giving me three Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star and a Silver Star. You tricked the entire country.

Well, to be honest, I was for Mitt before I was against him.

Kerry: You do realize this will create an opening for Scott Brown?
Obama: (thinking) Damnit! I knew there was a catch!

Now here's how this Secretary thing will work, John. If you take the blame for all my screwups, you'll do well. If you don't, you'll get stuck in Iraq. Got that?

At least this way I won't get stuck in Iraq…

"I lied too!"

Barry, you got to admit, I can't be any worse than Hillary at this job.

Well, Barry, what story do you want me to tell everybody about Benghazi?

Barry, does this make me third or fourth in line if something unfortunately happens to you?

Don't worry there won't be any "swift boating" of me during my confirmation.

Okay, what stories do you want me to leak about Hillary so that we can ruin her chances for 2016?

No, I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley.

Hey, that's yet another fine job you just created there, Barry. Now, I'm not going to have to answer any questions about Benghazi, am I?

So, Secretary of State? Does this mean I have to take dictation?

A concussion–can you believe that they bought that?

Now,,, we need to put Hillary on a swift boat to China.

Nice, now we don't have anyone in an official position to testify about that whole Benghazi BS.

John, it's great to have another rich guy promoting taxing the rich…hell, we don't pay social security so who cares?

Wow, it's that time again…we're rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

"Hey, our Blue Dog Neckties, match!"

"Hey, our Blue Dog Democrat neckties, match, partner!"

Barry! It will be wonderful to vacation in Viet Nam! I can show you where I got one of my Purple Hearts when I scratched myself jumping off the patrol boat in the delta when we came under fire and I left the others to die while fighting back!

You know even though it took you months to respond to Sandy… they would vote for you again…

Can I get the CMH to wear when I travel abroad? I really want one!

What do you think I got you for Christmas!?

You can call me Captain John. You know from my swiftboat days.

How is 'My poker face my my my my poker face'?

No Barry if you curl your tongue like this then blow lightly a saliva bubble will come out!

John, just lie your ass off and you will be fine
No worries Mr. President, I've been doing that a lot longer than you.

Guess what? I am making Jane Fonda director of the VA !!

Don't worry, there is tax exceptions for you and the rest of my millionaire buddies!

Is there ANY bullcrap you can't make them believe?

Ya know, about the time you were in Indonesia learning how to hate America, I was here testifying how I hate America. We have a lot in common.

"John, i need you on my Cabinet…There's no one better at swindling rich widows than you!"

Together well screw them all!

Rest assured, everything will be Hillary's fault from now on.

Thanks for the job, Mr. President! But what state were you referring to?

Thanks, Comrade. I'll be happy to work abroad. Things a crumbling around here.

I'll be waiting for you under your desk in the Oval Office.

Johnny K! What up motha fucka!!

Barry O! What up motha fucka!!

You are forcing America to Socialism Barry… let me get us to Communism.. disappear Joe, you follow and I will finish all these years of hard work… Thats why I picked you John!

I fall down everyday and bang my head… you've seen me in action.. thank you sir… I can handle it!

You just whip that old knob out anytime you want Barry and I'll be happy to polish it for you!

You are the best candidate to make me look at least a little bit intelligent through comparison.

Yes sir Mr President, I'll make sure we expand Obamacare worldwide, but first we have to get rid of everyone's guns….

You think I could get my medals back?

I am honored you think I hate America as much as you do.

Yeah, Morticia was hot, but I liked Pugsley the best!

Huh, huh. Huh,huh. Concussion. Blood Clot. If the people elected you Barry they'll believe anything.

"Hey man, your wife is killing me with this whole no-ketchup in school lunches thing."

You can thank me later for being white, because if I were black, Bush never would have been President and you would be an unemployed constitutional lawyer right about now.

Bravo on winning the moron vote.

It will be my pleasure to lie for you.

I kiss with the tongue Barry

So let me get this straight Mr. President. When an embassy asks for help due to muslim extremists I should take away the help they currently have? Look John I've done it to America for four years now.

Remember, any ideas you have of telling the truth will be followed by a concussion.

Apologizing for America 2: Everything is a War Crime

I'll take this job if it means Teresa must wear a hijab when we pander to muslims.

We really need to get out on my tax free yacht when summer rolls around.

But, can you fake a blood clot?

I've kissed your ass for 4 years and Secretary of State was the best you could do?"

I will be willing to kiss your ass anytime better than hillary could.

Don't worry Boss. I got it! I don't even know this guy Ben Gazi.

Hi, my name is John Kerry, and I'm responding to your help wanted ad in Al Jazeera.

JK: See, I told you Gore was a terrorist

You're full of shit, I'm full of shit, we make a perfect pair.

Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father…Barack I am you father…

Meet you at 8 in the gym?

John, go ye into all the world and preach apology to all the people.

Why the long face?

If it were up to ME, I'd take you out back and kick the snot out of you.

Barry—As long as I can see your hands, I know my wallet is safe.

"When you said tax the rich or the self-made millionaires, this is exempt for those that married into wealth correct?

Does Michelle fake it as well as you?

"John, you have been in office since 1985. I intend to beat it."

"Mr. president, tell me again why you asked me last fall if I wanted to go to Benghazi".

I can still buy a gun at anytime, can't I?

Have you seen any of my Purple Owie medals out near the fence?

Remember, John, we don't snitch.

John, welcome to the first post-constitutional administration.

Thank you, Mr. President. Who should I apologize to first for being Americans?

"You're getting the idea, Barry: Use Race, False Guilt and Emotion and keep appealing to the ignorant."

"IF you have the choice to sit it out or dance… I hope you daaaaaance! I hope you daaaance!"

"Great thinking John. Buying all that stock in Smith and Wesson, Colt, and Glock is making us a ton of money right now!"

john, the only thing wider than my wife's ass is your chin!

Good Job with that latest shooting It was a Brilliant idea to be able to disarm all those infidels!!

Bros before hoes. (No Hillary Clinton up in this b****)

"A black guy, a Muslim, and an illegal alien walk into a bar….."

Just keep in mind John,in order to get Hillary to step down and open up this position for you,I had to promise her that you would share a cigar with Bill.

I am going to stay in Benghazi? Great idea boss.

"How is Hilliary's head?"

"Bill says she's no Monica."

I'll kiss yours IF you'll mine!!

Ah, so this is the dutch rudder.

Obama asking Kerry I understand you have a lot of experience dealing with Pickles, Can you help me with the pickle I got this country into ? OOPS I mean Bush got me into.

Great news, Boss! Jane Fonda says she'll take my seat on Foreign Relations!

No, I can't introduce you to her… Carolyn Jones DIED in 1983, and NO, I wasn't in Mr. Ed either!

Honestly, Mr. President, when I promised you that I would bring you the Massachusetts vote in exchange for being S.O.S., I figured you knew they always vote for the Democrat!

Of course! All the Heinz barbeque sauce you want!

Come on Mr. President. You really don't like my hair?

Thanks for that Weed Obama im High AF!

I have a photoshoot with Jane Fonda set up on a Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun. Wanna come along?

Hillary is leaving yyyeeeaaaahhhhh

Congratulations, but you know the real money is in throwing the election!

You know Barry, if I'd known being a communist would get me into the White House, I wouldn't have had to shoot myself in the leg 7 times.

Thanks for the gig, bro! I sure aint ready for the "Old-timer Statesman Hall" of Fame yet

So with this Office, can I get a tour of Area 51?

Fill me in Barry, who was the gunman in the JFK assassination?

John, I always admired your performance as Lurch.

Just one thing John, is that drunk of a wife of yours going to be a problem?

"Hey Barry. Michelle said we shouldn't have ketchup in school cafeterias and my wife makes ketchup. We've got to get this straightened out before I start work."

Barry, you might finally be able to join the Boy Scouts this year!

John, if they call you in front of the Senate, just say what difference does it make

Just think John…..if you get killed in one of our embassy attacks you'll receive another Purple Heart!!!

You do know I servied in Vietnam?

Thank you Barry, I never thought I'd be happy I lost in '04 but seeing how you blame Bush for everything…