If you get into any trouble over lying about Benghazi, don't worry I got you covered with my "pardon" pad.

David, can you hook me up with one of those babes. Moochelle ain't what she used to be.

Thank you David for letting me "throw you under the bus" for this Benghazi thing.

Boy David, you white guys like Bill have trouble "keeping it in your pant". I don't have to worry Michelle took mine.

David, I leaked it out that you were a Republican.

These tapes of someone screaming and fighting don't sound anything like the Ambassador and his gang. Erase them immediately.

Wrong, Barry, I did ask — but said she won't write your biography,

Wrong, Barry! I did ask — but she said she won't write your biography.

Really, Mr. President? I don't think this works anything like the Cone of Silence.

E7? Aw, you sunk my destroyer!

No, Barry, I will not call you Maverick…

No… Those glasses do not make you look like Billy Dee Williams…

For the 4th time, yes, those glasses do make you look cool but our men in Benghazi are under attack NOW, Mr. President!

We're sticking to our story then? Benghazi started over that Youtube video?

No, Barry… I really don't want to see you dance Gangnam style…

Listen, I learned from Clinton about how to have an affair. Let me tell you how so you don't get caught.

Mr. President, I think it's time I take leave of my senses.

Can you reccomend a good biographer David?

Can you recommend a good biographer David?

Mr. President, I appear to have a groin issue. One minute it feels really good, and the next it feels like my ass is getting kicked!

OK! OK! I'll jump without a parachute on 3 !

Mr. President, can I stay at the White House until this blows over? It seemed to work for Bill.

Mr. President, remember you asked me to start World War III just before the election to make you look good. That's affirmative. It's begun at my house!

Well, here we are, General. Jump!

Now that I have be re-elected I can be more "flexible" with pardons, General.

General, the election is over, Libya is your fault, jump now.

General, you can't possibly F* up more than me.

General, so what if you shared secrets, we broadcast them all the time in my administration.

The Fly, and the one who can't zip his fly.

"General, are you sure you've flown one of these before?"
"No, but I slept at a Holiday Inn Express last night." (wink, wink)

"General, you're going to need to give the photographer your seat. He's not able to get a halo with the lighting where he's seated now."

What do you think of these shades? Gay or badass?

So, we just shoe up in a chopper and this chick will do us both? Guaranteed?

"So tell me… Does this make me look like Commander-in-Chief?"

"David, in case you didn't notice… Your ticket is one-way only."

"I'm tired of this crap you old guys call music. Mind if I change the station?"

"Look, David… I do wrong stuff all the time. Your mistake was getting caught!"

"Help me out here… the plug on this thing doesn't fit into my iPod!"

Why didn't you send her a picture of yourself topless instead of that FBI dude?

David I can't believe you were that stupid

David, Tell me again how to pronounce your name. It's BETRAYUS' right?

Ladies man and the lady man.

"General, I'm catching heat for that Bengazi thing. Where were you that night?"
"I was in heat myself, Sir. I was doing special under cover work for which I needed to be debriefed."

No Mr. President, Paula didn't buy the whole "Once you go black, you never go back" thing.

Yes Sir, I'm relatively sure that the "One nation, under God" line in the pledge of allegiance isn't referring to you…

Bill wants to know does she like cigars? He has one put asided for here.

Bill wants to know does she like cigars? He has one put aside for her.

General… I realize we are in a helicopter. So why does my chair equipped with an EJECTION SEAT!!!!!!

Boss, did you happen to keep that number of your Uhaul contact, handy?

David, did you happen to consult Prez. Clinton before coming to me?

Come on David , you can trust me, did you? Both?

I'll trade you naked pictures of Michelle for some of your girlfriend!!

Mind if I ask her out now David?

You know Barry, those shades make you look like Denzel.

General, i thought you said we were going to see this live via a drone? How am I going to deny I had first hand knowledge?

David, hand me another quarter. The ride is ending.

Look at me! I'm Top Gun!

Yes sir, next time I will order the "Beats by Dr Dre" headphones for Air Force One.

Thanks for the lift, General. I'm glad the golf course is on the way to that place you hold those meetings for your biography.

I don't have to blame Bush anymore I've got you, thanks David!

Remember! It was a video protest gone bad. If that fails, we're still looking in the matter. Last resort, you're toast, General.

Mr. President, Are you afraid of flying? Well, I think that handle right there activates the headsets. Give it a try.

General, I'll do whatever I can to cover for you unless it's hard work or makes me look bad. In that case you are on your own.

I'm so tired of all you men who can't keep your penis in your pants. I screwed the entire country and didn't even have to lower my pants.

Hey David do I look like James Bond in these glasses? David: I'd rather have James Bond as Prez than your sorry ass.

We're goin down Dude, WE'RE GOIN DOWN

I don't have to go under your crappy health care law, now that I resigned, do I Mr. President?

Sure I can help . . . and perhaps there will be something that you can do for me some day

Yes Agent "K". I know an alien when see one. He's got his sunglasses on!

Now that you know your children are safe for now, General, let's talk Libya.

For the last time, asshole, you are NOT in the Matrix.

At least you got rid of that stupid LiveStrong bracelet.

So, I need another fall guy…

Yes, David, if you tell the story just like I told you I'll get you a pair of these sunglasses.

Trust me, David, I packed your parachute myself.

Very funny, Mr. President. No, I don't think even you can get away with a 'Three Blind Mice' story about Libya. Let's talk about that YouTube video you showed me…

Gee, David, do you think these shades make me look cool like Samuel L. Jackson? I love that guy!

The secret code is BS, stands for Barry Satoro

When a fighter jet comes to kill us,
Press the it bush's fault button.

"Just did the same thing you're doing, only I was doing it one person at a time."

Hey Dave I just want to thank you for thoses email addresses for those 2 leads.

Don't sweat it general, you didn't release any sensitive information that I haven't already shared with my Muslim brothers.

How come adopting the same moral values as the Kennedy's and Clinton doesn't work for me as a good Democrat?

Did you order enough Twinkies for the "don't ask, don't tell" folks before you quit?

Truthfully, Barry, you and Joe are a couple of Ding-Dongs.

Danny, tell me honestly, how did you duck you wife for so many years? I live with a baboon that can SMELL when I think of cheating…

"Let's hope this chopper won't go down in flames like your career, Danny."

No captain Im president…. Therefore you are the backseat driver.

I hope there were enough ho-ho's for the Secret Service before we took off

Hey Dave, I've just got to get away from the wife for a couple of nights. How did you do it?

"Earth to Barry, earth to Barry. Come in. Is there anything between those ears?"

You want me to jump now that we're flying over Libya? It wasn't my fault Mr. President. Wait, what about my chut…..

BO: No General, you dont need a parachute…..

BO: No General, you dont need a parachute, it would only break your fall…..

David, if we can't blame Bush, blame the anti-Islamic video…

My ears are killing me, don't these headphones come in XX Large?

For a smart dude you are pretty dump Petraeus. You really never saw it coming did you?

. . . and your new job, if you choose to take it, David, will be piloting Marine One.

I gotta hand it to you David. You have MUCH better taste than Bubba. Tell me, is Broadwell a 'C' or 'D' cup?

David, I need some poontang on the side too. The hardest part of my job is having to pretend I'm attracted to my wife.

With all due respect Mr. President, would you please remove your hand from my lap?

Why did he get the hot lady and I got Michelle?

Gen P- "Paula, Can you bring a friend? My boss is with me."

You've had how many….? I haven't had a good lay since Larry Sinclair…..

OK Dave, memorize this lie and don't forget it!