Hello? Can you two see me? I'm the one that is supposed to be running this.

Okay, so now you two know the ground rules. So let's get started and may the "best" liar win!!!

President Obama, since you lie better, why don't we start with you.

I want to be as impartial as I can, so Mr. President, you will get the "softball" questions and Mr. Romney, you will get the "hardball" questions.

Mr. President, I'm going to have to stop you right here because you sir are telling way too many lies for anybody to actually believe you.

Mr. President, before we begin, you are going to have to give me that miniature teleprompter that you were going to use to get your answers.

Because Romney wants to cut PBS funding, you both know I'm going to try and frame the President's responses and clue him into the narrative.

Stop it right there! Who am I and what am I doing here?

Ok Mr. President Let me see If I can help you answer at least one Question so that you will stop looking like a complete idiot!

For the last time, Mr. President, you don't need to answer in the form of a question.

OK, the next question is on economics. We'll start with you, Mr. President. How many hands am I holding up?

Stop Mr. Romney! You are not allowed to make the President look like a complete moron.

Leher pretends to be a telepromter to put the President at ease.

Whoa! Never has so much bullshit been flung at me by the incumbant. Mr. Romney, you have 2 minutes to put on hipwaders.

Damnit Barry, I'm sending you signals like a baseball coach, you're just lost without the teleprompter.

Gentlemen, thank you for being here. Especially you, Mr. President, given that I am not David Letterman or Baba Wawa.

Mr. President, thank you for taking time out of your busy vacation, campainging and fund raising schedule to attend this debate.

Mr. President, thank you for taking time out of your busy vacation, campaigning and fund raising schedule to attend this debate.

"OK I know you are both politicians, and this is asking a lot, but i need a honest answer to the following question: How many fingers am I holding up?"

No, no, Mr. President, I need you to look at me, the moderator, not your podium.

Mr. President, since there is no teleprompter, please stick with the script.

Wait, guys, I am really sitting here – I'm not just an empty chair. Guys?

Mr. President that hidden teleprompter in the heel of your shoe violates the rules.

OK, before we begin I just want to let you know there is a technical issue with the teleprompters.

Whoa, hold on now Mr. Romney! I cannot have you discussing the constitution when the President does not recognize it as a viable document.

Now now Mr. President there is no need to bring in Nancy Pelosi.

2 men enter. 1 man leaves. Welcome to thunder dome.

Let's get ready to rumble!

Mr. President, even I don't believe that answer. Lets try again!

Rule #1. I am NOT the "Prey" I am the moderator!

Mr. President, I haven't seen an ass pounding like that since Rubin Studdard beat Clay Akin.

So we can both agree, The President & I lend our support to you, Governor Romney.

After this debate we're left with an empty black box, a governor, and a weird dark rectangle between them.

That's good mr president. The bigger your smile the more lies you can get away with.

You know the rules…the President talks all he wants while I constantly interrupt Romney.

I'm just confused with the red on the left and the blue on the right.

No, no, no Mr. President! You will NOT be allowed to show Bin Laden's remains.

"5 dollar… 5 dollar… 5 dollar foooot looongs…"

I'll take stupid VPs for 800, Alex.

Okay, now, let me just start by asking for your Name and Place of Birth.

"No Mas"

You… I want to beat you to death with this microphone. You… I want to give you a "Lewinsky!"

May the best man have his base re-energized!

"Mr. President, you'll get extra points tonight by presenting your TRUE birth certificate to America"

"Tonight there will be NO teleprompters in use, so Mr President, you'd better prepare to get whipped like a rented mule!"

No Mr. President, there will be no questions about the NBA.

No Mr. President, these questions will not be on the test. This IS the test.

Don't smile so much Mr. President, you are about to be hammered.

Gentlemen, here at the 5 minute mark, we've reached our bullshit threshold. Would either of you like to lead us in a song or mime something?

From each according to his ability, to each according to need of coaching and answer leading.

Mr. President, We have a 10-whiff rule here…you only get one more swing at the truth.

We've got a 10-whiff limit here, Mr. President, so we'll give you one last swing at the truth.

Mr. President, I've tried to guide & help you every way I can, somebody PLEASE get his teleprompter!

In lieu of a Teleprompter, Jim Lehrer gives Barry the answers in sign language…

Hold on a sec, Barry… I need to put up my bullshit shield…

No Mr. President, you can't give your answers tomorrow

No Mr. President, this was not practice, we are on live tv

This was just practice right Jim?

Mr President, why are you smiling already? You haven't given one correct answer yet!

I can assure you Mr. President, we checked his fingerprints, that is the real Mitt Romney

Now before we start, do either of you have to go to the bathroom?

Hold on. First I ask Obama about his vacations, then I ask Romney how rich he is. And if Romney tries to introduce some actual substance I interrupt him. Sound fair?

Mr. President please try to make your lies about Mr. Romney sound somewhat believable or our ratings will suffer

Barry…this is a debate. No teleprompters allowed.
Obama (thinks): Damn!

Mr. President, I didn't ask "Who done it". I asked how can it be fixed?

No, Barry… Just because they want to cut funding to PBS does NOT mean you can eat Big Bird!

Two men enter the stage smiling. One leaves the stage smiling. The other one is the president.

Ok men, bow to each other and come out swinging.

Lehrer: No, Mr. President. I said the softball questions were 2 million dollars each. Your 10 million only buys you 5.

Man, the altitude here is killing me!

Sorry Mr. President, but you are no Bill Clinton!

Whoa! Whoa! There's seems to be a problem. Mr. President appears to be lost in this Mile High altitude. He is still smiling during this smack down.

This was kind of like watching a cat play with a mouse right before eating it.

For the last time, you can't have Clint Eastwood's chair sit in for you tonight, Mr. President.

Question for Mr. Romney: What would you do to turn the economy around?

Question for Mr. Obama: What's your favorite tree?

Lehrer: I'm sorry Mr. President, "I'll research it and get back to you tomorrow" is unacceptable.

Hold on Hold on, I have to start the sentence for the President.

Mr. Leher: OK. O.K. Mr. President. I love farts as much as the next guy, but let's stay on topic here.

Lehrer: First question: What does Marcellus Wallace look like?
Obama: What?
Romney: Say what one more time. I dare you. I double dare you!

Please understand – this is NOT multiple choice…

Moderator: you open the door. The smell of mildew permitted the air. The room is dark save for the slit of light issuing from the now open door.
Obama: I cast magic missile at the economy.

Tell the truth? That's really funny!

I've already told you Mr. President, we cannot provide you with a telepromptor even if you are president of our once great country.

I'm glad to see you smiling Mr. President. I was concerned that you had fallen asleep.

Lehrer leads off "moderating" Obama with a Wayne's World "WE'RE

Lehrer leads off "moderating" Obama with a quote from Wayne's World: "WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!!"

Hold on let me write this shit down

Wait whats the date today?

STOP! okay nevermind i just wanted to say hi…..

For the last time Mr. President, this is not Family Feud and you cannot pass the question.

Sorry Mr. President, that's another touchdown for Romney and we've reached the two minute warning!

Now Mr President, I taped the answers to your Podium. There are no telepromters

"Mr. President, would you like to stop now, while you're still ahead?"

"Barry, if you are one of the 4 greatest presidents, then I am the best moderator who ever lived"

Debate like your man parts depend on it.

Leher (looking at Obama feet in discussed) "Mr. President, this is a Presidential debate not “Dancing With The Stars”. Please stop dancing around the questions, smiling and bowing…errr…curtsying like this is a beauty contest."