The more I lie the higher my hand goes.

Paul, the point I'm trying to make is my guy sucks and no matter what I say, our team is a bunch of losers.

Paul, please address me as Mr. Gaffe after all that is what I do best.

Paul, look out there, do you see anybody who supports us since we have been lying all this time. Hell no and it's Obummer's fault not George Bush's.

Paul, you don't get my point. I'm an old man passed his prime, I need four more years for my pension.

Paul, I know I have interrupted you a lot tonight but I can't let you tell the American people the truth, that we screwed things up and can't fix them.

Look Paul, there goes a unicorn.

Why is there a LMAObama.com logo on that screen behind Mr. Ryan?

Let's see, 1+1=4, carry the 7 and "Boom" you got yourself a balanced budget.

Hold up, Martha! I have more smirks, sneers, snickers and condescension to pull off yet

Biden phone home…

What are you doing here, Congressman Ryan? I paid a lot of money for Clint's chair to take your place.

Here's how it's done son, just talk louder, laugh and smirk and they'll buy any lie you tell 'em my friend.

First of all, I would like to be addressed as Vice President Jackass. Second, is that the Great Pumpkin?

I'm proving to the American people that it is possible to be a complete moron, and still get paid the big bucks.

Bull$hit for obama can only go so far up

VP candidate Paul Ryan debates Jeff Dunham's dummy Walter.

Here are the facts: the security in Libya was… Look! A squirrel!

Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird…a plane…no! It's Barack Obama! A super hero that came to this country disguised as a mild mannered socialist able to destroy truth, justice and the American way!

You want the unfarnished truth about how the middle class has been treated for the last four years? Pull my finger.

I'll take a Scotch and soda and a Shirley Temple for my friend!

"Pull my finger, sonny"

If you go about two blocks up Main Street and hang a left thats where Michelle gets all those damn belts she wears to lift her tits. Don't go there !!!

I'm pretty fly for a white guy.

One more fact out of you Paul and, POW! To the moon!

Zieg Heil! Oh… Sorry.. Flashback…

…and everyone thinks the pope actually blessed us with the sign of the cross, but he really said was "You – get off your lying ass, take your Socialist friend and get the hell out of my church!"

Out of options, Joe starts dancing to "Stayin' Alive".

This is my invisible friend here.

Not realizing he WASN'T playing baseball, Slugger Joe calls his next shot as a Home Run. Babe Ruth style.

Jack Kennedy! I used to get drunk with Jack, Bobby and Teddy. Then we would all cheat on our wives with whores. You Paul Ryan are no Jack Kennedy!

I'll have another red bull and bath salts. Then I'm gonna chew this guy Ryan's face off. I'll eat his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti!

"MY Friend" doesn't realize that I will be POTUS one day, and he never will.

And I thought Gore was nuts.

Bibi and I once flew to the MOON together!

My bullshit pile is only this high, it will be much higher when we're finished.

Ryan smiles as he realizes Joe is full of malarky.

No Kid! I use "This" finger when I give Barack his Prostate exam.

Those facts are not true. We did not give them to you.

Hahaha lol. Imma let you finish, Jack, but first I godda say….

Biden: "You can't close them? Then you can't close nothing, you are nothing! Hit the bricks pal! See? I practiced."

I hope we're about done here. See, the mother ship is hovering out there to beam me up.

PULL MY FINGER…it makes me laugh

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE MARTHA, I HAVEN'T USED MY QUOTA OF INSINUATIONS, MISQUOTES, RANDOM NUMBERS, MISGUIDED IDEAS, GAFFES AND INTERRUPTIONS THAT BARRY, ERIC AND JAY TOLD ME TO USE IN MY TALKING POINTS, UH, I MEAN REBUTTALS TONIGHT"

I'M NO ALTAR BOY, IN FACT, I'VE NOT SEEN A CHURCH IN YEARS. I GIVE .003% TO CHARITY, YET I'M A "PRACTICING" CATHOLIC!

Just remember America…. Big Bird is always sitting right above us watching all we do…

How dare Romney… insult Big Bird… we are for the birds! Look there goes a shitbird!

That guy is laughing at me! Yeah that big yellow pointy nosed fluffy wierd looking guy right there…

Thats right wise guy, see!? We don't do anything about Libya, about Iran and we distance Israel becuase we are just waiting for them to do some more…

"Let me interrupt here, just this one time….."

Everyone knows that facts lie.

That is the foreign investor in out campaign, I mean our economy.

Then when Obama returns from on high, he will take the good little socialists to nirvana with him forever, amen. And all you intelligent peons can have what is left of this mess.

I haven't had my rabies shot yet

Who cares about facts? I'm lyin'–no, he's lyin'–no, wait–

All you idiots who voted for us, our failures are your fault.

It's too bad you don't have cue cards out there like I do!

Are you really telling me you have facts? You don't deserve to be in Washington!

I was making gaffs when you were in diapers…

Let us be clear! Just because the President associated with known Communists and Terrorists does not make him one.

I only had ONE glass of scotch before I came out here…and ONE beer, and ONE shot of whiskey! Don't screw with me, Ryan.

Don't screw with me. Bye the end our next term, Chuck will be able to stand up, and we will have taken back 7-11.

Up, up, and away in my beautiful, beautiful balloon.

When you wish upon a star …..

The only gaffe I made tonight is in my underwear.

Check Please!! This young guy makes too much sense

I promise Barrack & I only need one more term to really screw this up beyond recognition.

Misunderstanding his debate coaches' advice, Joe continually raises his finger to get his pointing across.

Having been challenged to point out an Obama supporter NOT on the government dole, Joe Biden gestures toward Jupiter.

"Paul, everyone out there is grateful to Barry and me! We eliminated their jobs thus freeing up their time so they can now come see our speeches in person and better bask in our greatness!"

Paul, mombo dogface to the banana patch!!!

And my final point, the President remains clean and articulate.

You ask me that again Raddatz and I'n gonna throw your ass outa here!!!!

"You know about God up there, right? We would even tax HIM if we could get away with it"

Jesus voted for Obama!

Would the guy in the back please move the (borrowed) President's teleprompter a bit closer. Thanks. I can't read what I'm supposed to say.

Please give me a minute. I'm not as fast on the uptake as you are, Paul.

"… then I started taking Viagra and…"

Wait, I have one more interruption and lie!

I believe in POLICIES first, then PRINCIPLES follow.

We still don't understand the Libya attack, but BELIEVE me we'll know the day Iran has the bomb!

"THE BIG YELLOW ONE IS THE SUN!"

You see those flying monkeys up there, Paul?

hello, my name is Joe im a talking idiot "squirrel"

"Do you see that fly up there? We will tax it too."

"The republicans are so bad that people like Barry and me are in the White..uh, let me re-phrase that."

Never mind the economy and Libya, I can see my house from here, SWEET!

i wonder how much longer he will stare at me while having my finger up

" and we'll audit and investigate all of those terrorists on lmaobama.com."

Biden- You see that? Yep you guessed it Obama built it too.

"Even though this looks like a booger that I just pulled out of my nose, it is actually a chunk of my brain. Pieces of it have been falling out now for years…"

"Where's our plan? It's…it's…out there!"

"When did we know about Libya? Umm… err… Look! It's Haley's Comet!"

"Yes, I can too point to something we've accomplished. Before we took office, very few Americans knew what a trillion was!"

Joe & Paul sit down for the first taping of the new soap opera, "The Young and The Useless."

"What rabbit? The big, white one sitting up in the balcony! Can't the rest of you see it?"

Um can I go to the potty?! I peed my pants while I was laughing!

Paul, when pigs fly…Oh look, a pig!

Biden says – "Let me be perfectly clear! One term and done! PERIOD! One term and done! PERIOD! PERIOD!"
Ryan thinking – "Pelosi is going to be so jealous – new teeth, new plugs, new face stretch."

And Ryan wants to send the poor to the MOON, Gracie! Oh wait…we didn't really go there…

Follow me Paul…this is my make-believe chalkboard and these are my make-believe numbers and I'll show you how we balance them.

"Let's see… Carry the four and you have…. 800 Million Billion dollars."

It was only after a vision that I met Barack at the top of Mt. Sinai, and but for his divinity I would not be here today.

And if you people out there believe Baracks bullshit, your dumber than I thought you were.

He's cheating! Did you hear him actually explain his policies? I thought we were continuing with the single-word, single-syllable concepts!

Quick look over there, pigs are flying!

"I JUST WANT TO SAY TO ALL THE BIKER BABES IN THE BALCONY, WE GOT SOME FREE CONDOMS, BIRTH CONTROL PILLS AND BEER OUT IN THE LIMO WHEN THIS IS OVER."

"You Only gave me 30 seconds Martha, you gave him 31!"

"The only thing we can agree on is that you're a rude snatch Martha!"

(Ryan Thinking): I wonder if I'll be this incoherent 75 years from now.

Just pull my finger if you want to hear my most intelligent explanation of what our Administration will do in the next four years.

I know it to be the truth—I read it on the internet.

"What in the hell is LMAObama.com?"

For heck sake, no wonder I can't do a decent job, you're in the way of my teleprompter.

…and we fixed…..OH LOOK…SOMETHING SHINY!

TO THE MOON, ALICE!

I'm just repeating what Obama put on the darned teleprompter people — look!

"See the brightest star there in the sky? Yes, that's right, the might O put it there."

Correction:
"See the brightest star there in the sky? Yep, that's right, the mighty O put it there."

Pull my Finger….

You see that guy in the audience, he used to have a good job and then we took office.

ET Phone Home.

I saw Barry's nose grow clear out to here.

Did you know that Fox News told me my Mensa application is being seriously considered?

Squirrel!!!

Way back when… When I actually still HAD a brain… Uhh… At least someone, sometime, told me I had a brain… Well, maybe that was around the time I figured out how to cheat on the Bar Exam & not get caught… Well……….

See even my boogers are blue! Oh Hell, now all the air will leak out of my head.

See that pretty bird sitting on that tree?…..Ah, wait! My Meds!!!

No, that one is YOUR teleprompter.

Thats Jeff Dunham up there, he thinks I'm Walter, he's making me grin like an idiot its not my fault.

Paul ryan- I am booking this clown for my son's birthday party, I could listen to his dumbass all night. Ahhhh, just a few more weeks of this idiot.

There are no words sufficient to provide condolences to us Americans who understand the devastation of the anti-American remaining in power. Thank you for offering some needed comic relief through this website. The coming days may be horrid for our precious country. God help us!

Two things…