Please hold your questions until my teleprompter gets here.

Before we get started here, I want to make sure you all had your Kool-Aid.

Hey, don't accuse me of lying; I haven't started my speech yet.

Before we get started here, I want to make sure you all agree with me.

Look, I'm not interested in hearing your "Constitution" crap!

Please ask only and ONLY the questions we have given you.

I will answer the questions from People Magazine, NBC, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, Move.org, Media Matters, UAW Rep and BET magazine.

Pick your answer, it's Bush's fault, Japan's fault, the weather's fault and of course NOT my fault.

I will answer MSNBC, NBC,CBS,ABC,People magazine,BET,UAW rep and of course Move.org.

I will not answer any question from FOX or any question about the economy, jobless rate and ,the national debt .

Today I will only answer questions from MSNBC,CBS,NBC,ABC,People Magazine,BET and Move.org

"Listen up, one more unscripted question and I will not have another news conference."

No need to write down anything that I say, we've already given you your talking points. Your job is to write about how presidential I look.

Now… I'll be takin' questions about golf, basketball and where I like to go and eat.

Now listen here, this is MY white house, MY room in MY White House and it's ALL ABOUT ME. So I'll answer only questions that I want to

My re-election donation box is located to the right of the exit door.

You are getting very very sleepy…
I have you in my power…

Never has so much, been expected of someone who has accomplished so little.

Now who else has a question about me?

Ok, lets be very clear on this. You should get used to calling me 'Your Magesty', and executive oders shall be 'Imperial Decrees'

You'll notice in your press packets, there is the new 'White House endorsed' race card. The more you use it, the more questions you will be allowed to ask.

We will have kook-aid communion right after your media presidents pledge allegiance to me with donation checks.

Biden's is about this big

I will only answer questions from those wearing an "I am an Obamaton" button.

"If a Trillion dollars equals one millimeter, then we are only in debt this much"

Yes yes it’s true it is only this big. But I have an ego bigger than yours

Now you all have your marching orders, go out and attack

Now I'll open the bid for California at 5 million, do I hear 5 Million….

Raise your hands, if my staff gave you those "softball" questions to ask me.

If you are expecting a truthful answer, then your in the wrong press conference.

Haven't had a press conference in such a long time, am I suppose to be asking you the questions?

I only have one standard answer and you're probably not going to like it.

Let's play "Jeopardy", I give you the "answers" and you tell me the questions.

This is how much I care about America.

What is my plan?? Please get me a drink and make it a double.

I actually saw the little Green Man Joe is always claiming he gets advice from.

…only about this far, and then he said, "I feel a thrill running up my leg."

Before we start, is there anyone here who does not love me?

Wow! I haven't drawn a crowd this big in a LONG time!

Before we get started I want to make sure that everyone has received his or her check. Good. And remember the closer we get to election day the higher the amount.

The second question you will as is…

Hurricane Isaac? Yes, we think that Bush is still in charge of directing racist hurricanes. I'm putting my weather czar on it immediately.

"This meeting of the D.C. chapter of Media for Marxists will now come to order."

Ttttt, Ttttt Sssss, Ttttt, wait! "Can someone stop the teleprompter from skipping?

The line of coke I just snorted was about that long.

Matt Bissonnette? I wouldn't worry about him anymore.

No! Really! My penis is this big!!

The bullshit starts here.

I care about the USA even less than this!

I've only accomplished half of this in my first term

EWWWW, Helen, you're looking better with age!!

What have I done in my first term about unemployment? OH, you mean the WAR ON WOMEN!

My favorite color is RED,Favorite song is TAXMAN and..oh, you're not with Entertainment Tonight?

You are about this far away from me kicking all your ass's out of here.

Its about this long, and please, no more personal questions.

Listen up, this is what I want written about Romney over the next two weeks

From here, you all look like ants that I can squish in my fingers, just like what my Administration has done to the American Economy.

My ego was this tall when I was emaculated. This just goes to show you how much 4 years of bullshit can make someone grow.

Really, she like'em this size. Anything bigger would give her the shits.

Since "Mr. President" is so, so….well, you know, "yesterday"…you will now address me as Your Highness.

From now on, I will only be appearing as "Hologram Obama".

There ain't no economy and there never was!

After this press conference I will only be appearing in the form of "Hologram Obama".

Let me be straight about something. This is the trigger finger that I used to kill Bin Laden.

I seem to have lost my conscience. Has anyone seen it. It's about this big.

I am not a crook, never have been a crook and never will be a crook.

THIS IS HOW YOU THROW A COUNTRY INTO THE SHITTER WITH JUST THIS MUCH HOPE

"Eastwood can go **** himself. I know it's not humanly possible, but still…"

Do you guys think of Clint Eastwood? Thought very funny

Republicans and Hillary set me up and now Americans will pay for it

The list of my failures is this thick!

For those of you that prayed for Isaac to hit Tampa during the GOP meeting, you weren't facing East like I told you, you were facing New Orleans.

Esteemed members of the media remember one thing, if I want your opinion I will give it to you

I steered that Hurricane this close to Tampa.

Seriously my prayer rug is this thick.

Whatch you talkin bout Willis?

I disagree with you on that, Paul Ryan is only this much smarter than me

I'm proud to announce my newly appointed fraud czar, Ms. Carol Hawkins, who gained an invaluable 17 years' experience with U2.

I "FAILED" this much during my first term!

"Hope & Change" worked for for you SO much?

Enough talking about me, let's about you. What do YOU think about me?

Eenee, Meenee, Mynee, Mo………

Let me clarify my lie.

Hey, that mic wasn't supposed to be on when I told the Russian leader that after the next election I can do pretty much whatever I want to do.

In order to emphasize our philosophy of Transparency,
I am gonna have to ask you all to leave…..

This much of my campaign facts are researched

I like to parcel in about this much truth into each statement.

First, we start with just a tiny amount of communism, then we really hit them hard!

I will only accept questions about golf and basketball today.

"With just a little more time I will embarrass us all a lot"

Today I would like to tell you all a little bit about my favorite sandwich, first you start with a roll that is about this big…

"THE WATER TEMPERATURE IN TAMPA BAY WAS THIS COLD"

You idiots are supposed to be getting me re-elected.

Ok, today I'll need one fainter, a leg thriller, a messiah worshiper and a hand kisser. Real journalists need not stay.

For my next trick I'll make all of your hard earned dollars disappear from your wallets!

I was afraid the outdoor auditorium would only be this full so I moved my speech inside.

I swear, Michelle measured it last night and this is the actual length!!

Frankly, no, I find the fact that 7 in 10 GM cars are now made in China irrelevent.

"No no no. That part of me is white. It's only about this big."

Uh! Sometimes you guys make me feel this big…

Well, Umm, it was only a little lie…

Let's just say that it was Bush's fault again, okay? I gotta go out to golf in five minutes.

Once again, my self-esteem is about this big.

We told McDonlads, if you want an Obamacare waiver, your happy meal fries have to be this big to please Michelle.

So I've put God is back in, but he still didn't build this.

And then after I personally shot Bin Ladin, I killed a whole bunch of zombies, and then I landed on Mars, yes I did, and then I…

This flag behind me will change to the "Obama Dictator" symbol flag. Screw this American flag crap.

It is my understanding that Weiner's weener is only this big.

This isn't nearly as good as the gig I have on the Letterman show.

"Joe's stick is only this big."