See that business you worked so hard to create? You didn't build that!

Look, I found the job we created last week!

Oh look, the line of people voting for Romney is getting even longer!

Hey! You there….private sector person, how bout tellin' us how fine you're doin'?

One more time, Joe, and Hillary takes your place on the ticket!

"Hey, this is not a boy's size small shirt."

"You didn't do that, someone else did."

"Thanks to the AARP for their mega-donation."

I'm gonna tax yo ass, boy!

I'm sorry about this American flag behind me. I know how offensive it is to you illegal immigrant newly approved democrat voters.

Now look! I told you it was Bush's fault.

"Now hold it right there! I didn't say I was going to tell the truth ALL the time."

Hey, don't be mad. You're the one who fell for all my bullshit four years ago.

"What's my name, Cosell?"

"Hey, you two back there with the baby, you didn't make that baby!"

I saw you that time,Biden! Now, stop thumbing your nose when I look at the teleprompter!

"But wait… there's more!! complain in the next 30 mins and we will add another "penalty" to ObamaCare"

Don't cry now…some tried to warn you!!!

Hey, this is the "hope and change" I promised you.

Once I name myself "dictator for life" then you will get that "hope and change" that I promised.

Hey, at least I'm better off now than I was four years ago.

It's taken me four years to fix all of George Bush's problems and it will take me four more years to finish fixing it.

Hey there, no amen around me. It's praise Allah, you got that?

To ensure national security, I've had the Vatican's Holy See named a primary concern in the 2012 International Narcotics Control Strategy Report.

Um…er…well…you see, those jobs – LOOK! IT'S BUSH! EVERYTHING'S HIS FAULT!

Why, of course, I'll give you my birth certificate right – LOOK OVER THERE!

Why, yes, I'll fix this economy by – LOOK! IT'S BUSH!

Hey, I said "Dont Fuck with my telepromter."

Look, The security is so tight at the Olympics, I couldn't get in.

Phelps may have all those Gold medals but I killed Bin Laden!

Hey now, I did kill the most wanted rag head in the world!

One more complaint like that and I'll quit so you have Joe sailing this Titanic of a country.

Don't make me sic Michelle on your a$$.

"Jus talkin bout Shaft"

Come on now—-You know I am better than Carter was.

Think about it—the difference between 3 trillion debt and 10 trillion debt is not that much

"I'm warning you! Don't call me Hussein again."

"You, with the gold medal, you didn't win that!"

So… When I said "Hope and Change", you thought I meant for YOU??? HAH!

Don't you tell…

That flag? Betsy Ross didn't sew that.

Have I recently told you I killed Bin Laden? What about that I plan to cut the deficit in half if I am reelected? Well, I also plan to solve the energy crises next January.

Oil drilling?…….Can I get a "HELL NO!!!"

Natural gas is a key part of our energy mix. Go ahead, pull my finger.

Vote for me or I'll replace your job with a lower paying one too!

Hey I saw that , don't you try to change that script, damn americans

If you thought the first four years were bad, just give me four more.

You people can't appreciate a good dictator when you see one.

I didn't make it by myself, I had a teleprompter.

You just have to give socialism a chance.

Yeah boy! That boy Phelps jus got all dem golden medals..
And I am going to give dat boy my golden bong! Thas right!

Hey whitey! I am still the head negro in charge and I got your picture!

I need for you all to continue to be stupid and vote for me again.

Hey man! You can have my job! You think you can get America out of the grave I just put it in????!! HUH!?

Hey! You think you can kiss ass as good as your president!? You are tryin but it ain't workin!

You! You better get on your knees now… don't make me come up in there on you!

Listen, old woman, we'll see how smart that mouth is after you've lain in bed for 6 months with a broken hip.

Oh! Denzel… Denzel should be up here!? You! You just had your free shit up for repossesion!…

This is the black caucus rally we are at you better run for the door cracker… you in the wrong room honkey!

Yeah… and I took a lot of LSD too…! That means even you jarmel can get a job like me… its all a free pass… go for it nigga!

Hey, watch it! I control your insurance, you know!

I told you, no questions that aren't on the list I gave you.

Bama with the flag behind him

Now this time I'm not lying to ya.

What you didn't like the "hope" and "change" I gave you?

That "sucking" sound you hear is me.

I need another four years because George Bush screwed up my first four years.

Nothing is ever my fault because I have George Bush to blame.

Do you want to see what I can do for this country, then look at Greece and Spain.

Bama with the flag.

Wait a minute! Bush started it.I haven't done anything. Uh oops!

Sorry, my teleprompter doesn't have the answer to your question.

Yeah, I would rather be playing golf then having to talk to you idiots.

I'm sorry I'm to dumb to answer any questions right now.

How did you figure out that I am a socialist?

Just get in line to get your entitlements and also to vote for me.

What do I have to promise you to get your vote?

"You didn't build that" so why would you feel bad when the federal government takes it away from you.

Hey now… I personally built everything here and don't you doubt it, boy!

Bet I know where you'd like me to shove this finger.

Singing: "I did it myyyyyyyyy wayyyyyyyyyy"

Now, Don't tell me you knew there was only 50 states Sir…

You think you're a better Bullshitter than me?

My next term, you'll be callin' me "Massa"

laugh now—but soon you will call me King Obama

"I'm the greatest, I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, I'm.."

Voice in background: "Shut up! You even suck at imitating Ali!"

"Aww but you're wrong. There's 57 stars on this flag. My election judges have counted them."

You, yeah you, keep my aunt and my dad out of this. No incestous family history on this show!

Why don't you go back to those gun and bible lovin hills and try and make inbred white babies without me now!

Come on America, pull my finger just 4 more years!

Y'all were right..back then..'oh…there go de neighborhood..' you shoulda followed your instinct! You shutup or I will have that neighborhood mess you up… got it!?

That guy over there… get him.. the white guy with kids and he ain't smiling and clapping all night..that guy!

So… before they all get here… I want to give you one of more potent poses… how's this?

"how dare you ask an unapproved question! That wasn't what we told you to ask. Now you will pay the consequences! Begone, peasant"!!

…"and to quote John Travolta, "Bacon is good, porkchops are good".

"Careful now. Remember, a death panel might be in your future."

Congratulations! You're the next contestant on "The Price is Spiraling out of Control"!!

Alright, everybody now! "To the Left, to the Left, to the Left, right? Left!!"

No! No! No! We mustn't use the C-word!

Hey, somebody go get Bill, will ya? He's following those interns again!

Yeah, you, come on wit' it!! Constitutional, my ass!!

Okay, that teleprompter's not working at all. You don't want me to have to wing this, do you?

I told you I need another 4 yrs to complete the road to nowhere!

Whatchu talkin about people? Of course we're providing free everything as long as you fools keep paying for it.

If you thought I was stupid, how stupid are you, you voted for me.

You people in line for entitlements owe me!!!

Washington, Jefferson, Adams…hell Lincoln, Kennedy, Reagan…they must all be rolling over in their graves by now.

I am glad all you suckers still believe in me.

Yes, my initials are "B.O." but they don't stand for "Body Odor".

Hey, you can't bring that tar and those feathers in here!!

"UHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Darn those reporters are getting smarter"

"Hey no pissing on my posters"

"You, in front of the teleprompter get out of the way"

Hey I am the first black president… 'hope and change' means there will be more black presidents and we are going to take the country… anyone here got a problem with that!? Get those honkeys!

"My name is Barry Soetoro, and I am NOT an American"

Who loves over 8% unemployment?

The 1% loving on the 15% un/under-employed.

Economy? … Unemployment? … Defense? … Energy? Um…LOOK! SQUIRREL!!!

What yu' talkn' 'bout Willis?

If Romney gets elected the free shit gonna stop! So, vote early, vote often.

Did you all hear that Michelle took gold in "Chips Eating" in the London Olympics?

You people just don't appreciate how bad I screwed up this country!!!

I gave you people Obummercare, what more do you people want??

Now YOU tell ME why exactly these military folks think THEY deserve a chance to vote? I don't get it!

You didn't build this microphone, did you?

"You didn't build the Chevy Volt, I did!"

"I can ressurect the dead, I ressurected GM AND Chrysler!, (with your tax money, and went on vacations with it to)"

I did it myyyyyyy waaaaaay!!!

"8.3% unemployment, America, I built THAT!"

Yo, bring that pit bull up here. He looks pretty tasty.

See that couple with the twins out there? They didn't create them!

See the sky, the earth and the stream over there? You didn't create that. Government did.

That bird there is on public assistance every time someone throws it a piece of bread. That squirrel is going to be taxed on his nuts come fall.

Mark my words – nobody escapes taxes. Well, except me and Moo.

Things could be worse. Reelect me and I'll prove it!

Now you do understand… that we black people were here first right! And we are all imigrininents right?

Now that black guys is also using a teleprompter…YEAAH BROTHER!

Don't talk about my choom gang thing and my college days! Mr. West you will now leave the room!

Oh yeah I hear sister! I know… I KNOW what benefits marijuana is… Last thing I remember is in the mountains in Hawaii… good reminder sister! Give that lady a Gold Medal!

And you will lose your home and job and car…and when its all done… you will be homeless and then you will bow.. Oh there will be another black muslim preident.. Denzel will tell you that!

Don't bring up my daughters they're only a quarter white and they smart!

Look despite my lack of proof of anything and associated with the muslim brotherhood I am your president!

Sold! To that chinese guy for $16 Trillion dollars! Congratulations, sir! Enjoy your new country.

Alright now, anyone caught pledging allegiance to this flag will be asked to leave.

All right, who ordered a pizza delivery??

I wish you'd stop taking pictures of me in front of this damn flag!

I'm gonna have to ask you all to put down your Romney signs.

Oh, this election ain't over. This is only state number 8 on my campaign trail. I still have 49 more to go!

"yes", "You should care more about what Romney does with his money; than what I do with yours"

Obama sings his new theme song:

"And now, the end is near, and so I face the final curtain…."

"Money, it's a crime
Share it fairly
But don't take a slice of my pie…That's literal folks, literal."

Apologies to Pink Floyd.

"Bring home the Gold….so I can tax it."

"That was a really good guess, but the correct answer was 'fifty-seven states'"

In honor of flag day I am wearing my favorite flag.

That flag's country… You didn't wreck it. I did.

I warned you, no questions that aren't on the "approved" list! DOn't make me have to come over there and whoop you!

These colors don't run. Unlike me running for president continuously for the last six years.

I can't believe I used to burn them pretty flag thingies.

MC Obamanation: F___ the Polls! Coming straight from the weather underground…

So how many more people want to hear some more Michelle jokes?

A funny thing happened at the Dummycrat Convention, I dumped Joe for Hillary.

Now you all don't want to see my college transcripts because my grades sucked.

Sure, I'll release my college transcripts if Romney will release his tax returns.

I can't show you all my college grades because I didn't go to college.

If it wasn't for affirmative action, I would never of made it thru college.

Yeah, I majored in smoking weed in college.

Sure I did "dope" in college. There is a reason they call it "dope".

Don't tell me affirmative action doesn't work. Got me this job didn't it?

Obama is so brilliant, he even found Waldo at a Town Hall. And we'll be back with weather after the break.

See you don't need to own a gun….pointing a finger will always ward off an intruder.

"I've now been in 57 states — I think one left to go."

"Don't vote for the American in November"

Now wait a minute…,
the so called "Fathers of this Country"
didnt really build it….

I created 4 million jobs, you just shut up about the 6 million jobs I destroyed.

I'll have the IRS audit your ass.

The 1% don't pay their fair share, just don't tell anyone that I am in the 1%.

I'm introducing "Obummer Hood" which is steal from anybody to give to my campaign.

You know I set up the gift registry for you to donate to my campaign. Now, "in lieu of flowers" please donate to my campaign.

" ..You get me those four more, I will personally get Soros to fund that for you!"

'.Cavuto, stop asking all those budget questions, or I swear, I 'll get Biden to show you his vacation photos!

" Hey, you get Greece on board with this, and I will get the media to Blame the whole mess on Bush!