I'm sorry, but you'll have to cancel tonight's speech. Your teleprompter is still in the repair shop.

So you came all the way here to play golf?

"Your bookie says no more basketball bets until you start paying down what you already owe him."

"All the golf courses in Russia are still covered in snow, you'll have to use black balls, if you have any"

I want that all in $50s and $100s all unmarked beeeels.

You REALLY need a better tailor if you want people to take you seriously.

This is the Nuclear Security Summit. If you were looking for Romper Room that was the first left down the hall…

..well comrade we just gotta lay low 'till after the election I my chicago family enforcers got things locked down on my end,you gotta tell syndicate to chill for a bit, oh and send my regards to Vladimir the Godfather"

Medvedev (speaking): "Now it's reeeeely important we negotiate nucleeer stockpiles."

Obama (thinking): "This nuclear summit crap is boring. How long until tee time?"

After you loose lection you come to Russia and vee make you Czar, Da?

Listen um Barry, right? A new roof and some paint, the White House can look just like the Kremlin!

Look O'bama… Vlad said to cut the crap and eliminate all your Nukes already!

Владимир сказал, чтобы послать по электронной почте ему ваши ядерные кодексы.

Vlad wants to know when he can expect America's nuclear codes.

I'm sorry, but I don't see how we can help you make Puerto Rico a state before the election.

When truth is stranger than fiction:

“This is my last election. After my election, I have more flexibility.”

"This is my last election." "Yes, I do believe you are correct."

Look I aleady told you I'll take care of you after my election, but what I meant is after I've declared myself dictator for life.

Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere..ever! I just have to trample the constitution a little bit more.

"Let me make sure I got this right."
I'll get on of the furry Russian winter hats and the coat and the boots just for selling out the USA."
"No problem,I've done it many times before comrade."

"Can you even remember when you could still put your hands around her waist?"

So where do I send my asylum application if this reflection thing goes south?

"I'm running the USA into the ground and it'll be so weak any country like Russia could bring Socialism in, since I couldn't"

You like Carolina, right—-I'll put 200 missiles on Kentucky to take it all.

Now, lean slightly to the left and EASE IT OUT.

You née 270 Electoral votes. No, we can't make it 250 for you.

The emporer wants you to come home to Mother Russia.

Whenever they say Israel, we'll dance the Hokey Pokey but omit the right side.

Vlad wants you to grow balls this big, oh, and your pants to be this much longer. K homey?

No Mr. President, I don't recall the lyrics to "I'm a Little Tea Pot."

Rock… Paper… Siccors… GO!

When it comes to 17 year old Trayvon Martin, Barack Obama YOU ARE THE FATHER!

Have you ever tried Preparation H? It should be covered by obamacare.

Look… Florida is full of snakes, Alaska is full of bears and stupid gold miners… we can also add California to your offer to Russia… but you might piss off the gays, potheads and Mexico…
Well.. let me cover the mike… I'll be more flexible after I get re-elected..

The new president of Russia will want submission from you..
Well uh I will roll over on my back and pant, I haven't apologized that way yet..

My question is how do I make the new president of Russia happy when I am re-elected?
Well sir give them Florida and Alaska for sure… now California we need to keep – we don't want to piss off Mexico…

Will the new Russian president play golf with me?
Only if we give Florida to Cuba and Alaska to Iran sir…

Well we fly over the border and drop fake social security cards with the same fake ID with a 5 dollar bill attached with a promise they can stay if they vote for you

If we mandate the staffing of voting centers to the illegals, non-English speaking…

Utah… uh they don't like me..
Easy we put all the released illegals and gang members there… with an ounce of weed and coke.. then we..

but.. that means I was born in Kenya…
yes sir… but we are going to have Pelosi overdose to provide a distraction to the media for months.. you get voted in..

Uh… this radiation… apparently my radiation blew up in my truck recently.. I am still here. Aad my truck was a Tundra – not a Nuclear…Explain.

Uh… this radiation… apparently my radiation blew up in my truck recently.. I am still here. And my truck was a Tundra – not a Nuclear…Explain.

Ummm.. well… hmmm.. nuclear radiation is not a part under the hood of a vehicle.. and there is no auto manufacturer 'Nuclear'… its..

'I' radiate don't I? Therefore I have a 'radiation'… and I am active at golf and travel.. am I not 'radioactive?' So whats wrong with that?
Well..sir…

I need my voice on the radio as well.. I want to be radioactive to further insure my re-election. Thats what this association is all about right!?

I don't want any yap! How do I get radioactive? Limba is!

I don’t want any yap! How do I get radioactive? Limbaugh is dammit!

OK, so you guarantee 50,000 election-day voter-imtimidating thugs and I agree to apologize & surrender Alaska in January. THIS is hope & change!

Alright, calm down. For the last time, March Madness and the Final Four is not about the United States, Russia, England and China! It's about College Basketball!

Mr. President, even I know that the US only has 50 states. If you give us Alaska there'll be 49 left, not 56.

Obama: How come there are no blacks in Russia?
Medvedev: Because we had first choice.

Barack, I must thank you, you're even making Vlad look good.

Barack, would it racist to order a Black Russian at lunch?

So I say to Vlad, da he'd make a great Black Russian.

Eef you shrink Michelle's butt theese small we shoot her in wocket to Mars.

About that flexibility…

When you said you were flexible, that meant you'd grab your ankles, right?

Obama: Tell me more about how the Russian mafia works. Is it better than Chicago's?"

Toilet paper? I thought you were bringing the toilet paper!

Lemme get this straight…this Soros guy says he guarantees you'll still be around in 2013? How can he do that? What's this costing you, besides, of course, your self-respect?

"Ok, deal. You give us secret codes for nuclear weapons and we will give you secret formula for vodka."

I'M TELLING YOU TRUE MR. PRESIDENT, THESE FUSSIAN LADIES ARE REALLY HOT. AND NOT TOO EXPENSIVE. BETTER THAN ANY KENNEDY OR CLINTON EVER HAD.

I'm sorry, comrade, we have enough idiots in Russia already. There isn't room for one more.

I'm sorry but we're not doing any hiring right now.

"Most voters think you are a liar"
" You think that's going to be a problem?"

Believe me comrade, you do NOT have to be a natural born citizen to replace Putin. The fake paperwork will do just fine here.

You have done my grandfather proud, comrade.

"I understand you need some space, but Vladimir is heartbroken, he doesn't know how to live without you."

Barry you need to chill, sonner or later there going to figure out you dont like the JEWS.

How much space can you need? It's treason before and after the election.

..then slap a slice of bread on top…wallah!…PB&J!

"I'll give your application for the Kenyan Golf Czar position to Putin right away"

Yeah, we had a look at your resume and you're just not leadership material.

If you're not doing anything in January we do have an opening in the Kremlin for a janitor.

We feel you aren't qualified for a position because you haven't completely run America into the ground yet.

Honestly, Barry, do you think anybody out there believes that we're not just a couple of puppets?

"Listen, O, you're just a dictator in training right now. You can't see The Man yet."

Comrades!

Tony D days after the election he will wash both our cars !

". .I am not sure what happened, but somebody put the ACTUAL figures from the CBO in there, you'll have to wing it AGAIN!"