Yeah, I'll have 5 large pepperoni, 2 large cheese, and 3 large with extra bacon. And deliver it to the limousine out back so Michelle won't see you.

Damnit, Joe locked me in the car again. This is the third time this week.

"Yeah, this is Bo, I need a 9:00a tee on Sunday and make sure the cart has a pencil with an eraser this time."

CORRECTION:
“Yeah, this is Bo, I need a 9:00a tee time on Sunday and make sure the cart has a pencil with an eraser this time.”

So Ms Fluke….what you wearin'??

Check the bracket and see who I have in tonights games.

"I ain't getting out. Too many white folk out there."

Phoning it in

Look, I'm not getting out of this car until my teleprompter is set up, understand?

The car isn't starting for some reason, so tell Congress to approve a %10 billion stimulus package to get it running again.

^Correction:
The car isn’t starting for some reason, so tell Congress to approve a $10 billion stimulus package to get it running again.

What? Air Force one isn't ready?? We are gonna have to drive to the golf course???

Dammit Michelle didn't you pay the cell phone bill this month??

Yeah hurry up… My taxpayer funded caddy isn't going to wait forever.

See Mahomoud… I told you it would work.

قلت لك انني لست ضد اميركا!

HELLO, KENYA? IS MY GRANDMA THERE. I'M IN DEEP TROUBLE AND I NEED TO TALK WITH HERE.

2G brainpower on a 4G phone.

Palestine? What's that?

"What do mean Michele won't let me in?"

Next time, America, upholster the Presidential limo in pigskin so this never happens again.

"Driver, would you play 'Free Ride' again?"

"

Sorry Michelle, I'm stuck in traffic.

No, no, not a traffic jam…clouds blocked the damn solar panels and the sun just came out again.

Even the president doesn't believe his EPA can provide you safe drinking water…

Yeah, I have to live in my car now; I had to sell the White House to the Chinese.

Yeah, Michelle's forcing me to sleep in the car tonight…I know, it's hard not to make a joke about the size of her butt.

Pimp My Rider

What do you mean Tahiti wont let us land Air Force 1 there? I promised the girls we could vacation there this summer.

"This is the Office of the President. Sorry I can't take your call…please leave a message and when I return from vacation I'll have Joe call you back."

"Yes, Michelle, I'm giving my speech right now. No, I didn't get in the wrong car again."

Enough with the gas prices, how much is Kentucky favored by?

Is this Moe's tavern? Yeah, I'm looking for Mike. Mike Hunt. Could you put him on the phone please?

No Dr. Phil, it's just not fair! They expect me to do EVERYTHING!

"I'm riding in the back of the limousine. Is that the same as riding in the back of the bus? If so I have a new race card."

"Is this the number I call to order Presidency for Dummies?
Can I have that rushed, please?"

PSSS…. yo quiero Taco Bell.

Look Nancy… I'm only one man… I mean, COMMON!

What do you mean, "I've just been ERASED?"

"Mamma, I wanna come home. They don't like me here."

"I'd like to vote for Contestant #4 please…"

YES! I want frys with that !

"Why hasn't the teleprompter been installed in my limo yet?"

Joe? Barry. Ummm….listen, we lost a few people this week and I'm going to need you to go to Afghanistan. Be sure you run around dressed like a pig and shout "Allah Suck Bahhls." Ohhhhkkkkaaayyy? Thaaaanks.

Hey Miss Fluke! Are you enjoying your spring break? Great! Great! So where did Nancy send you? Super! Now don't forget to use the condoms she gave you! What?? You've gone through the whole box?? Don't worry we'll send you more.

Damnit! I told you people black out the windows in here! I can still see the peons and it's creeping me out!

You know, Sandra, now that you are getting free pills for life how about coming to visit me in the back of my limo?

"Hey Honey, can please you send a cab to pick me up, I'm out of gas and can't afford to fill it up"

Michelle, it wasn't that many 'baby back ribs'…damn, can't a wimp eat??

… and then they said Obama is an acronym! One Big Ass Mistake America … that's when I burst into tears. …. Michelle? … are you still there?

Thank you for the great testimony Miss Fluke. Yes. Yes. Yes. You will have a job at the White House during my second term.

Hello? Doctor? I had 3 Big Macs and my belly is starting to ache.

Fluke … doesn't that rhyme with f*ck?

Hello. Pentagon? I want to order some more hits on Americans. Hmmm… Rush Limbaugh … Sean Hannity … Everyone at Fox News … Did I leave anyone out?

Yeah, I have 3 passports. I am a British subject thanks to my dad. I am an Indonesian thanks to my mom. And I have a pretty red U.S.A. passport thanks to my grandparents and the dumb-ass American voters.

As-salam ‘alaykum. I've decided to come back to Islam. I just heard about the death penalty for apostasy. Where is the nearest mosque?

Karzai? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know anyone named "Obama." You must have the wrong phone number.

Soros I just left my old home in Chicago and some other man lives there you promised me I would have anything and everything I wanted as long as I destroy capitalism……PAY UP MAN….I want this election also….

Would you let me have the drone BACK already?

Damn it Edwards, put Michelle back on the phone.

Hey America, here's a quarter, call someone who cares.

If I don't finish calling all these countries to apologize they'll never let out.

^Edit:

If I don't finish calling all these countries to apologize they'll never let me out.

Ok Vinny, 1.5 trillon on Kentucky, Ohio State, North Carolina and Missouri in the Final Four…What? Yeah, the country's good for it!

Say what?

"So how's my Solyndra and G.M. stock doing?"

"We're out of gas again and can't afford the prices here at the Exxon. Ask Congress to approve another $400 so I can fill the tank again."

"Me use a Chevy Volt? Are you nuts?"

"Hello? Is this the Four Seasons? I would like to make a reservation for my next vacation. Yes I know I was there last month, but I have the bring my mother in-law this time"…

Hello, Nancy? The limo is out of gas, so have the House release the National Oil Reserve to lower the gas prices so I can afford to fill the tank. Hurry it up…I'm late for my golf game!

I don't care if Bibi lead special forces missions and a commando assault, fought in the front lines and was shot while serving his country, and actually loves and stands up for his country, I am not a comparable wimp.

"Uh, there are a lot of men with guns outside the car. Secret Service? You mean they're on my side?"

Hello, Yahoo? Just wondering – does Mount Rushmore face East?

"Chief; will you tell your pissant cop here that I am the President, I WON, and I don't have to wear a seatbelt. I don't care what the law is."

What do you mean No More Money, Comrade?

If they can get $50,000 for the Melvan how much do you think they'll pay for this Obamillac?

"Hello? yes, divide the taxes by my IQ, ok?"
So thats why there so dand high

Yes, two hot dogs and a Kool-aid on the tenth tee, when we make the turn.

What do you mean I cant get back in.
Tell Bill he isnt President anymore!

A dark shirt and khakis, what are you wearing?

Tell Tiger I'll meet him on the 19th hole.

Why didn't you tell Malia is in Mexico?

You tell Bill Maher I have his back.

Now let me be clear, Bill Maher is like a "bro" for me.

If I stay in the car they can't inaugurate the next President.

TOMMY BAHAMA..YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER,DUDE.

Aunt Flow is in town this week and ain't no way I'm leaving this limo.

What do you mean I have to leave the White House when I lose in November!? I know I can rewrite the law to state otherwise.

"We're gonna be late. We're out of gas and don't have enough money to fill the tank."

OKAY…need a little help..which company can I promote that won't file for bankruptcy ?

Yeah, I am on my way to Apologize again.. I know it is America's fault. I will be very convincing how sorry we are in America.

Give me a Diablo sammich and a Dr. Pepper and make it quick. I'm in a hurry!

where's my date? he's late!

It doesn't have that new car smell any more. I want another one.

What do you mean you'll have to charge for the extra fries? Do you know who you are talking to—-my wife will have your job.

Mr. Clooney, my butt is really in a sling! Can you throw another fund raiser for me? Oh, and I am not polling so well in West Hollywood…I know you like women but couldn't you at least be seen with Brad Pit in Fred Segal?

Hello? Listen, they told me I have to give a speech in Albuquerque, do you know what country that's in?

Hello, can you tell me what comes after "I pledge allegiance.."?

"…and I confess that I want to destroy America and, hello, hello God, you still there, hello?"

This Smart Water doesn't seem to be working.

First class paddy wagon for a top 2% traitor.

Yes, I am alone now Nancy. So, what are you wearing?

"We'll just tell them that we were against the pipeline before we were for it."

I HAVE TO KNOW. WHO LET FOX NEWS FIND MY OLD HARVARD LAW REVIEW. THAT WAS SUSPOSED TO BE HIDDEN. IF YOU FIND OUT WHO IT WAS, GIVE THEM A ONE WAY FLIGHT ON AIR FORCE ONE OVER THE OCEAN. DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO CLEAN UP YOU MESSES.