You don't have to say that I'm God like. But, leave in the part about me being like God.

I wrote that myself. What do ya think?

That's a degree? Um, what's a degree?

Nice rags kid. You member of some club or something?

I'll give you $100 for that birth certificate.

"This is all well and good, but where are you going to find a job now?"

"Wadded up paper is Ok but a teleprompter is better."

"See I wrote it down for you, first become a Community Organizer…"

?
"That's how much Michelle is offering to pay for that gown, she wants to turn it into a new dress."

Do like I do, I write all my campaign promises on toilet paper, they're as good as the paper they're written on.

So that's what a US Birth Certificate looks like.

I see you bought your Social Security number at the same place I got mine.

Oh look!! Graduated college and hired on at McDonald's on the same day. We can make this look like, at least, 5 new jobs.

And here is the School you need go to and learn Chinese.

"It really doesn't matter what you say, they'll applaud and believe you anyway."

Fake degrees are a dime-a-dozen, like mine, yours will be genuine, you can't buy that!

Fake degrees are a dime-a-dozen, like mine, yours will be genuine.

Soros bought mine, without going actually attending those schools, Government loans financed your degree. You had to attend, I didn't.

Soros bought mine, without going actually attending those schools, Government loans financed your degree. You had to attend.

Soros bought mine, without going actually attending those schools, Government loans financed your degree. You had to attend. I didn't attend at all. No one remembers me.

George Soros bought mine, without going actually attending those schools, Government loans financed your degree. You had to attend. I didn't attend at all. No one remembers me.

Those are all contributors to my campaign that I exempted from Obama care I can get you a $150K job at one of them

It's simple really – left to right, top to bottom. Opposite of my own language, right?

Now when you're done rolling it, lick the edge so it sticks better.

"That, and five bucks, will get you a cup of coffee."

I had someone in your class redistribute their grades to you. They're being held back. You graduated! Here are your papers.

That's crap. I had a guy make me a HARVARD diploma.

"Say, that's a fine speech you have there. Mind if I use it?"

As you can see, my new plan includes a tax on graduating.

Now that you're done learning, you just take this voucher down to the unemployment agency. You'll have your food stamps within five or six days.

"…and this is what you'll get in food stamps and section 8 once you graduate.."

"You're lucky you're black kid. Now you have an automatic job in my administration."

You could have saved a lot of money and bought Charmin…

These are the reasons why I should not be reelected. Wish I had a list why I should be.

Does kinda look like me, but I was in Kenya 23 years ago.

Which church choir are you from?

You don't have a job after graduation? Just read this list of reasons why it's Bush's fault.

Here's how much welfare you could have earned if you didn't work hard.

Those are the latest unemployment numbers; you may as well not bother looking for a job.

Here's the diploma I printed from my computer.

Remember,
Always act indignant. It gets the white folks real nervous.

"Can I use that diploma until I'm elected again? You know it's about giving to those less fortunate."

That wrinkled piece of paper is our new monetary unit. It's worth $100 thanks to me.

"Ok, kid, you'll have to use these crib notes cuz the teleprompter is broken."

"Sorry you can't read my writing,kid. I'm a lefty you know."

I see that you quoted "Oh the Places You'll Go". A popular valedictorian go-to move in the past, but let's face it kid, your generation is going nowhere thanks to me!

Just tell them the D was Busch's fault, it works for me all the time!

Here's the name of the guy who will get you started…Bill Ayers

You're tho only person I trust with my transcript form Columbia

This degree guarentees an extra 25% on your taxes.

That looks more official than my birth certificate.

Just exaggerate a bunch of that crap you did and you too can become leader of the free world.

Wait till you see that withholding amount if you ever find a job.

Ha, that's the question I lied on as well. Just put SENIOR Community Organizer and you're good as gold.

My advisor looked over your speech. Your only allowed to read the highlighted parts.

And here's a list of jobs I created for college grads like you. That pizza shop is just down the street.

These are colleges that offer a post grad in world dictatorship. Just use my name in the interview.

Your answer to question number four is wrong, the worst President was #39, Jimmy Carter, not uh, #44

So what part of this comprehensive jobs plan is where I come in?

"That's a pre-signed, undated pardon. Just consider it a 'Get Out of Jail' card. My gift to you."

"..and if they ask you where the constitution was signed you say, right here, at the bottom of the page…"

"I don't know how I got here. Show me on that map how to get to the White House".

Play the race card and you will get all the scholarships you can ever want.

Do you see how easy it is to go on welfare right out of high school instead of college?

Hey! So THAT'S what a birth certificate looks like.

Oh, hey! Nice diploma! I need it though cuz they're out of toilet paper in the restroom. I mean, it's not like you'll need it since you won't be able to get a job.

And this piece of paper says that you owe the government your first born.

I expect you to say all of this about me and that I can walk on water.

Is that what a transcript looks like?

These are some of my best lies. Use them wisely and you too can become President.

That's the same place that did my Birth Certificate, they're good!

now that you got your diploma you can wipe your behind with it and wad it up and throw it in that trash can because it is not worth anything in the USA. bribes got me where I am at not some silly diploma.

How do I get one of those?

Wow son good job on my birth certificate and you did it on a napkin they will even believe it more now.

Is that your tuition bill? I know a Sheik that will take care of that!

This is my next great Ideal son I wanted to run it by you first
We are officially going to call a motorcycle a truck Obviously a truck weights more then a motorcycle now we can tax a motorcycle according to a trucks weight

Hey kid, is that your birth certificate ? Can I us it ? I'll get it right back to you.

I SEE YOU GRADUATED SUMA CUM SAUL ALINSKY. YOU'LL FIT RIGHT INTO MY ADMINISTRATION.

"I've never read it before but I think you can find employment reading the Bible. There's book of job in there."

That's the total amount of your wealth I will spread around when you start working.

The taxpayers have already paid all your bills from here on out.

That's my pared-down version of the constitution, "do what Barack says"

"These are the instructions on how to act in my presence: Number 1, get on your knees…"

"Nice diploma. Want me to read it to you?"

I'd suggest putting something in there about Bush keeping you from graduating sooner.

You mis-spelled "Allah" there, kid.

Ha! I remember when I used to write down speeches like that. Mr. Soros does that for me now.

I hope that degree will help you to flip burgers, because you won't get higher than that as long as I can help it.

Now, see there? That's how much you'll get if you vote for me.

Not bad for your first try, but I've got a team of people that can make your diploma look more authentic than that.

Its ok that your marks are bad, the government will take care of you

Wow, a degree! I got ACORN

Congratulations. Now you are licensed to pay more taxes

Forget the degree, youre black, you have nothing to worry about

Lucky you're black or you would have student loans for the rest of your life

Take this letter, signed by me, saying you graduated from college and where born in this country and some day you can be president.

Have this copy of the speech with you at all times; you never know when the teleprompter might break down.

As you can see, I've crossed out all references to God and replaced them with my name.

Say, I can zero out your student loan if you will agree to be my personal doctor!

Where is Woldo?

So that's what the Constitution looks like.

No No No, start here. You read Arabic from right to left.

I just wrote your speech. It tells everyone how I'm actually in control of everything

Oh wow! Just graduated college and already you got your first unemployment check!

Say, pretty good Photoshoping; you know my wife does birth certificates.

Say, that looks almost real; you know my wife does birth certificates.

Tell them your a foreign citizen and balance due becomes grants.

That's the list of qualified candidates I can bump for you.

I know a guy that's really good with documents, you could have bought that one.

Now be sure to put that in a safe place no one will ever find…trust me!