Can you believe it? I have just one year left in office!

Can you believe all the damage I've caused in just one term? Amazing!

I don't plan on getting a single vote this November.

I serve our one true god, Allah.

This many terms I will serve.

Let me throw in 1 more lie….

If you don't believe me, just trust me.

Cause we all know, I'm more handsome than the Speaker.

Boehner wants to kick his ass,
Biden wants to kiss his ass.

Song:

"One is the loneliest number you could ever be. Two is just as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one…"

And I'm sick of his conservative bullshit…he's behind me, isn't he…

And I'm sick of his conservative bullshi…he's behind me, isn't he…

My one and only request, vote for me because I'm cool.

Two and a half men.

Scroll the teleprompter up please

"This teleprompter is stuck."

Despite what you hear out there from my critics, I did in fact create a job!

"1 trillion more please."

And I'll give everyone ice cream and days off of work if they vote for me!

…"and just recently I shut down lmaobama.com for several days."

And in closing I'd like to point out, all those pencils were stuck in the ceiling before I got here.

"I will work with anyone in this chamber to…….is Boehner giving me the stink eye?"

1 Dick and his 2 balls.

"Yes, I know that those 2 stiffs behind me are asleep, but I'll just drone on and on."

I don't understand how anyone here could stay awake through my speech.

I pledge to create more jobs in the teleprompter industry.

If Boehner and Biden are still staring at the back of my head, would those on my right please stand and appluad.

"Attention all K-Mart Shoppers, I'm only going to say this once!"

Will the real slim-shady, PLEASE STAND UP……PLEASE STAND UP

One more Trillion is all I'm gonna need to print.

Governor Jan used THIS finger contrary to what the guy over my left should tells you.

You do know the idiot over my right should is one heartbeat away from running this great country, right?

I cannot think of ONE thing I have done to help the American people.

"One of these days… POW!!! Right in the kisser!"

One more comment and I am done lying to y'all.

"What goes UP must, er, um, go up even MORE – like your taxes!"

"WAIT" Just one more lie!

It's a new SOTU tradition. It's called "point to the douche."

Don't worry, John. If you snore, we'll understand.

i deserve some credit for putting up with this idiot for 4 years dont i

"I swear, I thought she was going to beat me up right there on the tarmac!"

"So for just one night let's forget the state of the Union and try to remember how much you loved me three years ago."

"I have one thing in my favor . . . well maybe not."

I told you there would be new jobs…well, I did…finally!

"I do have one thing in my favor. I get along well with Muslims."

John Boehner restrains himself from weeping as BO destroys the country.

Even I can't believe y'all are still buyin' this BS.

"One of these fools behind me is on my biatch"

Just one more lie Please!

Winkin, Blinkin, and Nod.

"I know you're thinking I got my ass handed to me on the tarmac in Arizona, but if that had been Iran then my brothers er, I mean…."

"There is an insurrection occurring in Arizona and no options are off the table."

"I am above the law and will continue to ignore the subpoena in Georgia."

Joe sits there and LOVES it when I pass gas. It's that RACIST Boehner who gets offended.

"So two white guys and a black guy claiming to be a community leader walk into a bar…"

I promise to tax the $hit out of every last one of you.

and for my final act as President, I WILL bail out Twinkies.

How bout it? Can I get 1 more term to complete my "Change"?

I'll be a monkeys uncle, Barry CAN talk out both sides of his ass at once. Are you seeing this John?

"I propose solving two problems at once. Illegal immigration and rising debt. My plan is to sell California to China."

One more comment. If your kids work hard at school and get a good job and make a lot of money, I will haunt them for the rest of their life.

Just 1 more tax…. PLEEEEEASE?!?!?!?!?!

"Now let me be clear, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is a racist."

"Now let me ask you — which way is the wind blowing?)

See that debt ceiling up there? Let's just get rid of it. It's always getting in the way.

And I now ask the Congress to approve a one – don't worry, just one – trillion dollar spending bill to invest in a teleprompter for Joe.

So I said, "Now Joe, I'll give you one more chance. But if you open your mouth one more time, you're staying home from my next campaign… err, bus tour."

"She was mean to me. Right there on the tarmac in front of everyone. It made me look bad."

"I promise, a hole in one. I swear. Trust me."

I've had this finger up my ass for three years now. I will now ask the VP to smell it.

Hey America, pull my finger.

Take my wife Please!

"I'm going to Disneyworld!"

"I can sum up the State of the Union in one word: SCREWED!"

"Yes, he is a doofus, but he's still the Vice President."

Check, please! A blank one.

No, really, just one trillion more and we can pull out of this slower than normal recovery!

I will reinvent the automobile with clean-running electric cars, and destroy the filthy power plants that genenrate electricity.

As this is my 4th campaign speech.. no State of the Union address since you suckers voted me in, I'd like to start by saying…

Aim the teleprompter a little higher.

Thank you all for coming to my campaign rally. Of course, this means I will be claiming bipartisan support.

My first campaign promise is to dissolve the Union.

And another thing, dont worry about the economy, Im going to get this country going again by putting 80,000 vets out of a uniform and back into the labor force in just 5 short years. They volunteered for service, now im gonna voluntell them to settle for less because its everyones responsibility to share the burdon of rebuilding just like all public servants, well except congress, and my executive branch, that would just be silly!!!

Doofus T. Firefly

This is how many job's I have had in my life.

As speaker Polosi says..One welfare dollar equals two to the economy!

Come on folks…just one more. Let me tell you another joke!