I hear you're accepting job applications for January 2013.

Joe, the ad should be four more years, not four more beers.

Did you get all of the dead to vote for me yet?

Wait, we only have 50 states? Find a way to add 7 more.

Great news Michelle, my counterfeit birth certificate just arrived in the mail.

"Oh, nothing. I'm just busy destroying an economy. Can I call you back?"

But I have my plan for four more years right here – what do you mean I wasn't re-elected?

It's bad enough they want me say 'I pledge my allegiance", but, that 'under God part'? they can forget it!!

Hello, MSNBC. I have the questions that your reporters may ask at my next press conference.

"Godfathers Pizza? I'd like to order 10 anchovy and pineapple pizzas. Deliver them to John Boehner's office. Ta."

Yes, I'd like to have some food delivered….I want some fried rice and an egg roll…and for my wife, a gallon of shrimp lo mein, 2 quarts of pork fried rice, 5 egg rolls, 2 orders of dumplings, and a couple pounds of the Chinese BBQ ribs. The address is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Do you take credit cards?

Brushing up on his resume.

Hello, My name is Peggy…..

"Hello Queenie….do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

"Hello, Operator, I'd like to make a COLLECT call…."

Maybe this is how they did things before the teleprompter.

"Hello, Operator – please get God on the line."

"Uh,,,,is this Glenn Beck? Ok, good. Well, Glenn,I could use a little advise."

"So this is a 'land line'?? How droll."

"No, Joe, I really don't want to come over and play Tea Party."

"Ok, Joe, I'll be right over. We'll play Tea Party!"

"Hello Walmart, are you accepting applications?"
…
"Oh, yes, I have a solid background in community organizing"
CLICK
"hello, hello? Is anybody there?"

I'm looking at it right now. I want you to pretty please remove this month's $804,459,319,346.98 finance charge. What do you mean you only understand Mandarin?

Yes, Is this the How to act Presidential for Dummies Hot Line?

I'll have one large with everything, and Michelle will have the same thing with an order of breadsticks and a 2 liter of pop.

This is so much harder than the teleprompter!!!!

Hello, tech support? I'm not sure how to read this white flimsy thingy with all this black lettering stuff on it…

"We'll need 2 large U-haul trucks, 3 dozen assorted packing boxes, 2 dollies, a half dozen illegals for labor, at least 1 commercial shredder…just over a year from now."

Joe, let's count my Speller Checker as a new job.

Hello? Yes. I'd like to order a "Two if by Tea" gift set.

Mega dittos. First time caller, long time listener.

"Michelle, I'm working on my memoirs, the chapter of my accomplishments. Any ideas?"

Yes, Mr. Soros, Joe will be right over to pick up your laundry.

President Hu? I'll have the Moo-shoo chicken and fried rice. But this time, please don't put the debt numbers in the fortune cookies.

HERE IT IS!!! I found the CLUE!!!

"Hello Mahmoud. Let's have a nice friendly little chat about y'all blowing Israel off the face of the earth. I'm sure we can settle this over a beer. My place or yours?"

"Yea it says the Bill of Rights or some nonsense like that. How set in stone is that?"

Tell Mr. Soros I received his memo and it's a work of art.

Room service? No she's not going to eat some damn salad. Just give her the steak and potatoes she asked for and if anyone asks, just tell them it was for a bodyguard or something.

You have to give me a minute, I'm used to reading from a telepromter.

Holy shit! I told you I could hit $15 Trillion before my first term. You owe me a bucket of KFC.

Hello MSNBC. Do you still have a position open for a commentator? I can start January 20, 2012. Can I fax you my resume?

I don't care if you have to quadruple the font size. My accomplishments should fill the entire page!

"Budget meeting?! But it says right here on the schedule Mr. Soros gave me that I get to golf again today."

"NO, the tee time is just for me. If you must know, no one else wants to be seen with me"

"Yes Muslims are allowed to play golf"!

"And I will need someone to point out which way is East at some point during the round"

Just tell Chris Matthews that if he doesnt shut up the next thing he feels from me won't be a thrill up his leg but a foot in his ass!

No shit.. the light is shining down on me!!

Tell NBC these introductions for Republicans are just what we asked for!

Yeah… make sure all the dead people on this list vote!

This would be much easier to read on a teleprompter.

Obama multitasks: insults another world leader, schedules Joe's potty breaks, and sits in chair.

Hey, Bill, these talking points say you support Newt!

Newt? I just read your acceptance speech. What year is this?

Is this Chris Wallace? Hey, when did you start writing my talking points?

Hi. Chelsea? Your mom said you might be able to hook me up with a job at NBC after the election.

Ya know, Roger, you never replaced Alan Colmes. Keep me in mind. I look great on TV, I have tele-prompter experience, and I am really good at doing what I am told to do.

"Hello New York Times? Say you wouldn't be needing any bailout money this next year would you?"

Is this the Muslim take out hotline? I would like to order…

I have my fantasy league ready

Senator Reid I have my new Nations Job bill ready, it's only a paragraph on one page but that didn't stop us on the healthcare bill.

My god the polls are right, most Americans voters really are stupid, we have hope

Hello careerbuilder? Do you have any openings for a former community organizer that's destroyed our country?

The split level on page two, will it be available in a year or so?

Yes I know I am not supposed to play from the Ladies tee's but I am the President you know!

Hey Michelle,They want to put me on bully beatdown on MTV!

I have North Carolina, UConn, Duke and Kansas as my Final Four

Hey Ditka, these numbers look pretty grim. Any chance you can get Favre to come out of retirement again?

Hello? Yes. I have a few questions about this medical bill.

3-1 odds Newt takes Iowa? Put me down for $20 Billion. It's only taxpayer money and less of a risk than Solyndra.

Yes Mr.Soros, OK Mr.Soros, I got it Mr.Soros, I'M working on it Mr.Soros, That's next on my list Mr.Soros, Right away Mr.Soros, Yes I have the list right here Mr.Soros, I'll check on it Mr.Soros

Yes Santa I have my wish list, ready to copy?

Joe, I have your resignation letter right here ready for signing.