I solemnly swear that I will not say something stupid!

I have made an important discovery – One plus one equals two!

"America's brightest days are ahead…in 2016, when I'm Democrat's presidential candidate."

"I mean, you got the SECOND mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."

"Let me get this booger off the end of my finger first."

Where the hell is the "ON" button??

I know Barry said not to push this red button, but…

See – it says right here that it was Bush's fault!

What's this?
Campaign 2012 Strategy
#3 – get a new running mate for vice-president

I'll be running things around here while, oh look a butterfly, the President recovers from his "head-up-his-ass" surgery.

Yes, he's worse than Jimmy Carter. But let's not let that detract from the fact that I am worse than Walter Mondale.

He's number one, and I'm number two.

But it says right here that wasn't your question.

If you don't stick to our script Obama's gonna kill me.

I am stepping down as VP to assume the role of Spokesmodel for the Hair Club for Men.

"I still think J-O-B-S is a three letter word; I don't care what the dictionary says!"

"The dictionary is wrong; J-O-B-S is too a three letter word!"

"Let me make this clear: I am NO Einstein, I'm more like Daffy Duck."

"We put the FOX reporter in the ejection seat. Watch!!"

The Joe Biden Comedy Hour begins!

"Barry says that I can read only from the script he wrote. What's a script?"

Where the hell did my drink go? It was sitting right here!

You have no idea what it takes to be Vice President.

I'll tell you what the big F'ing deal is…

And so my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you…

I didn't say anything of the sort. Someone else did and I merely claimed it as my original thought. Thus you cannot hold it against me.

I will not sleep with the president in order to stay on the ticket.

That's exactly why we need a tax increase on the rich!

"I'm telling you I have had a REAL job I just can't remember what it was!"

You tell Comcast that Joe Biden wants TV, phone and internet for $99 a month and a money back guarantee.

"Hey…. I know stuff!"

"Listen here….this IS my real hair!! I bought it and I paid for it!"

"Oh jeeze…what is that!! I wish Obama would learn to use his hanky!"

"My cumulative salary as senator since 1973 has exceeded $4 million, but my net worth is still under $300,000. The fact that I can't handle my personal finances does NOT mean I can't handle the world's largest economy!"

…and that is how I resolve to finally graduate the sixth grade this year!

I'll push this big red "self-destruct" button if you don't stick to the scripted questions!

Let's show a little respect. If not for me, for the podium.

We did everything right! It says it right here. I don't make this stuff up!!

This podium was made in China and that's why I'm Vice President.

I'm not kidding. The buck stops here. . . and the euro and the yen. We're going to sink all of them.

Listen! Just because I'm VP, doesn't mean know anything.

"Al Gore has nothing on me. I invented fire."

Let me make this clear: I said dumb things _BEFORE_ I met Obama!

"Listen here, I was told not to say anything so you need to stop asking questions."

you will bow before I interduce the president …

Hey, you're from Fox right? Think you could get me an 'Alan Colmes' kinda deal when I'm through here?

Hey, I'm the smart guy here. Now just sit up and shut down!

No, I am the VP, see it says it right here!

Press here?

"Yes Mr. Soros you are # 1 on the list"

Talk to the Mike!

Sit down! You forgot to say Soros say's!

"I will be collecting all wallets….place them here!"

"Let me make this perfectly clear – I AM . . . . . who am I anyway!!?"

Joe knows. Just ask him.

"I will be a member of the presidents worse than Carter Club too"

"Hello my name is Peggy Please Hold"

When Barry is away the dumbass will play

Joe proudly shows off his new "teleprompter"

He's not really from Hawaii. He's from right, down there!

I am NOT dummier. Reallyest!

"Check under you chairs for the list of questions you can ask."

"How dare you say that Obama will win reelection, I am 100% sure Obama will be a 1 term President."

obama doesn't let me use his teleprompter so I'm stuck reading it from my cheat sheet. Is this thing on?

read my lips, "no new brain cells"

Damn, I can't believe I said that…I know there's a rewind button around here somewhere…

My coloring book states, you will not ask me any questions on my Solyndra visit.

And the next person who calls me 'Walter' will be asked to leave. I am not the model for Jeff Dunham's puppet!

Barry, then Me, then God

Get this straight, If Barry is not reelected then I'm President!

Yabbada yabbada yabbada, that's all folks

"I'm here to tell you……… uh, what am I hear to tell you??"

"I'm here to tell you . . . . uhh, what am I here to tell you?"

uhhh….what was the question again?

And when you see me in this pose you're suppose to ask the softball questions because it means my brain has shut down….