911. Where do I begin.

Damn…. they get to vote?!?!?! Who made that rule!

*sigh* Okay…. Tax their breathing so Michele can shop at Target again

Wait… wait…. Who told them they had Freedom of Speech?

"Hang it up. You've run out of options."

Barry called the Miscreants Hotline but had to wait till they finished with Harry Reid.

What do you mean the village has no phone

But Michelle, all the other presidents got to screw an intern…

For the last time Monica, Bill does not work here anymore.

Damnit Joe, for the last time, the Oval Office is in the west wing.

so you are saying the we have no choice…. we have to have an election?

what do you mean "no tee times available"

What do you mean I can't get a tee time Saturday?

* press "$" from your touch tone phone for magic tax reform solution

"and Bo will be flying seperatley on his own jet."

Mr. Jintao, the check is in the mail….. I promises

Mr. Juitao, I will send a check as soon as my jobs bill passes

Um…yeah… that'll be an extra-large with double pork.

IT? I thought you guys were modifying my phone so the screen is a teleprompter.

Would you hurry up with this bill? I want to go golf already.

"My ratings have dropped 2 more points?"

Hello Wal-Mart, are you guys hiring?

So if we allow Americans to keep their own money, they'll be more prosperous? I just don't understand that at all.

No Michelle.. ugh… I've been doing everything the way you told me to since day 1!

So, you mean to tell me that 'a douchebag' is not what I've thought?

I'm trying to ruin the country George, I'm trying!

Look Soros you need to give me more time

"Oh Come On Bill, you know what I mean…my intern is under the desk now and what should I do again?"

Let me explain to you once again but very slowly this time, I NEED A 9AM TEE TIME NEXT SATURDAY!!!!

My numbers are down again by how much??? Quick kill someone in the middle east.

Even Obama strikes out on the 1-800-HOT-SEXY line

Asleep on the job. Again.

Yes George,I know Letterman,Rosie and Opera are all phony
Dumb-asses but I need the votes!

Unemployment office… does one get benefits if they aren't e-elected?

Suicide Prevention Hotline… This is Barack Obama…. Yes I can hold…

Michelle, did the kids bring home lice again? RELAX RELAX, I'll blame it on Biden.

Obama, answering his 3:00 AM phone call…

Let me get this straight…The country's checking account is empty. What generstions future can I ruin to get money in the account???

” Hello? Public Storage?”

” Hello, Manpower? What is the charge for a temporary Attorney General?”

CPUSA hotline? — I need another "Occupy Wallstreet" protest scheduled …

Cousin Odinga? — Say, any bright ideas how I can bypass Congress?

No, Cousin Odinga, I can't come to Kenya to help you with re-elections — I've got trouble enough trying to establish myself as dictator …

You want me to explain how I can spend my way to prosperity? — Do you ever play slots at the casino?

Hello you've reached the Unemployment administration. Press 1 if you would like to file for your future 2012 unemployment claim.

Taxoholics Anonymous? … yeah, uhhm, I'm running out of tax ideas …

"Fast & Furious"? – Uhh, I don't recall getting briefed on that … I'm afraid I never heard of it …

"New Black Panthers? — I don't recall going to the zoo in 2009 …"

Would you hurry up and get the new amendment passed? I want kids to vote for me next year!

What do you mean having the dead vote is illegal? I did it in 2008.

What do you mean 'we'll be home in January 2013′ Joe?

Hello Visa, can I get a credit increase?

*Correction for 10/8/11 10:53am above*

What do you mean ‘we’ll be homeless in January 2013′ Joe?

Dad calm down, your money will be there soon – just don't mail my birth certificate Boehner!

The Big Chief:
Golf-Left-Hander in Chief
Concert-Bander in Chief
Union-Pander in Chief
Bush-Reprimander in Chief
No-Promised-Lander in Chief
Government-Expander in Chief
Commander in Chief

Now look damn it! I did press 1 for English.

No! No! No! Joe. I'm still President here.

No! My computer's on the fritz and I don't understand a damn word you are saying. Let me speak to someone who speaks English.

Yes! Yes! Michele! I heard you the first time.

Well, to be honest…

Joe, stop trying to get into the White House!

For the last time, I'm not interested in the plight of the Americna people, now stop bugging me!

Joe, you're such an idiot…

(from phone): "You have 251,783,511 messages from Americans who are fed up with your sh*t. To listen to your messages, press 1…"

Would you tell the flying monkeys to bring Rush Limbaugh alive? I'm running out of options here.

Phoning it in eventually bores Obama.

Hey I need for your groups to start protesting a little bit more, this time start getting physical.

ET Phones Home

Obama calling himself off work… again.

Obama calls "Ask Cleo". Cleo just hung up. Guess he better consult his Magic Eight Ball.

What to do when the Magic Eight Ball no longer works: call 1.800.AskCleo….

What's taking you so long? All the tea partyers should be thrown in jail by now.

Most people count sheep to fall asleep. Obama just calls Joe.

What does Obama do when he needs to catch a nap? He calls Joe.

Yes Dad, I prayed towads the East three times today, please stop asking….

Yes, this is Mr "O". Michelle needs another 6 Shackburgers, 8 large orders of fries, and 4 chocolate Shack Shakes.
The Secret Service guys will pick it up in 20 minutes.

Seriously? It's not 9 pizzas with 9 toppings for 9 bucks? Herman, what did you mean by 999 then?

Spending $14 Trillion can be sooooo tiring!

On hold, hoping to get on Rush's radio program…

Listening to one of his own speeches: ZZZZ zz ZZZZzzz ZZZZz

Yes, Mr. Soros. Yes, Mr. Soros. Yes, Mr. Soros…….

Who do you send a Tweet again?

Can't we just print more?

God….I can't wait until I'm unemployed

Hello State Farm…I hope this works…"Like a good neighbor. State Farm is there…with more mindless followers."

Hello Kool Aid man. When are you delivering more of my special Kool Aid?

Are you kidding me? Solyndra spent all the money without funneling cash to my re-electioncampaign?

I promise, Joe, I'll save you all the green M&M's. Just promise you won't be the next Wall Street protester to crap on a police car.

Ya gotta help me, Dr. Phil. Every time I look at Michelle I see Oprah!

Right…2 large supremes, hold the anchovies. That'll do it for Michelle's order. I'll just have a salad with lite Italian to keep her from bitching about my calories.

Yeah, yeah, I know…I'm a douche

So, Michelle having another kid would get the approval rating up…let me see if Joe is willing to "take one for the team"

Honey, can you go pick up some toilet paper? Someone stole the Constitution.

I'll have one large stimulus bill with extra cap and trade regulation. No, I would not like any tax cuts with it. Can you deliver it under another name, to fool the people? You promised you will deliver it in 30 days or less. How much will it cost? I'll just have Geithner call up China again.

Only 948 billion in wasteful spending in the new bill? You can do better than that.

"No, it needs a catchier name. How about Fast & Furious?"

Why haven't you downloaded the virus to that LMAObama site! I don't care about the ethics on it, just do it!

I want that LMAObama website hacked and now – no more excuses. Get a list of everyone thats been on it, tag them as in-country terrorists, neo-nazi's, whatever you have to do to silence them…. What do you mean Hillary and Joe are on it all the time?

"Joe, this is Barack….President Obama…you know, your boss?"

"Hi, I'm calling about your ad looking for an experienced community organizer."

Most people get fired for sleeping on the job!

Another reason to fire Obama: Sleeping on the job!

The country in a financial crisis.
Unemployment is in double digits.
Government spending is out of control.
Why would the President have a problem sleeping?

I have no idea what anybody is talking about on this secure telephone…

Yes Michelle, we're still married. I just do not wear my ring during ramadan…..

Hello, George, I know I said I wouldn't call and ask for advise but…

Mr. Soros I know I said I would wreck the economy so you could make your billions. I need more time…..yes I know I said I would deliver…hey I gave you Greece….no Mr. Soros….I see Mr. Soros…

Seriously Mr. Olberman, this is so much tougher than being a community organizer.

Listening to the fairy tale entitled, "The Demands of We The People."

Barry starts the process of filing for unemployment…..please hold.

Can you fix the wore-out Treasury printers again?

Yes Michelle, I will get the taxpayers to pay for another vacation for you…

The Sandman is now obviously working the day shift!

We lost how many jobs this month!

Is this Bob's fertilizer company , I need another load of Bullshit to feed the American people..