(Holding the Constitution) Yes, is this Office Wonderland? Do you sell shredders?
Hello? I'm calling about the position you advertised for a news anchor. I'm great with a teleprompter and I need a job. Can I fax you my resume?
Hold on, my teleprompters stuck and I don't know how to turn a page.
So you're telling me unlimited debt is bad? Crap. Where were you 2 years ago?
Yes, that is what I said. One more term and the dollar will be worth as much as this paper I'm holding.
phoning it in
Ace moving company…I'd like to reserve 12 trucks for January 2013.
(coming from the phone)
No, Mr. President, nothing racist about it.
You were elected because you're black.
You weren't re-elected because you're worthless.
So 10:00 and 11:00 am are not available? Uh-huh, so exactly WHEN can I get a tee time?
They found the body…and it's not bin Laden?
Hello? I need help with one of these words. It's spelt "F-r-e-e-d-o-m."
No, honey, I don't think 25 personal attendants would be a waste of taxpayer money. Go ahead and hire a Deputy Staff Assistant to your Staff Assistant to your Deputy Associate Secretary to your Secretary to your Director of Social Office for the First Lady.
I thought I told you Monica, don't call me at this number.
Why yes, my refrigerator is running, why do you ask?
(talking to Biden) I'm looking over your travel claim, no you can't claim hair transplants as a travel cost
Wait a second, I have my football fantasy roster right here..
I'll take Eli as my QB, take the Ravens as my defense, my receivers are……
Hello Chavez I'm still having some trouble grasping how you did it, explain to me slowly once again….
Jimmy, you're saying public opinion will improve after I'm voted out of office if I join some charitable organization like Habitat? I won't have to donate any of my OWN money, right?
I thought we got Beck off the air! What's this GBTV?
Obama: This is a survey about 2012? Yes, I would definitely vote for the black guy, whats his name…yeah Obama!
What do you mean I'm running in the negative? I still have checks left.
What do you mean two more black guys are running for President in 2012 ? Now what's my angle going to be! ?
Get me Glenn Beck's red phone.
What do you mean I cannot keep air force one?
We'll end the "play every golf course in Africa tour" finishing in my homeland Kenya. No we will not return air force one.
Uh, hello Mr. Soros. Barak here………Obama. Yeah, the President. Now what do I do?
Hello, library? I am looking for a book called, "Dictatorship for Dummies"
Mr. Soros, I'm doing the best I can do with those pesky things like Congress, The Constitution & the American People getting in our way of a Marxist Utopia.
Yes, Vacation of the Month Club? I'm due for another. Let's see….what's the most expensive vacation you've got? Can I take along Chicago? No, not the cast.
Tell maintenance I want 100 watt incandescents in here and I want them now. Since when does any law apply to me?
I told you before, don't give me anything to sign.
Hey I found another clause in the Constitution, looks like I can do it without Congress.
I read this Magna Carta, I'm going to repeal it.
Hey, I just found another typo on my birth certificate.
They tell me that the blue tie makes it look like i actually give a shit!
You're telling me that is how the handicapping rules work? That's absurd, I'm the POTUS!
Security? Joe's trying to get into the White House again.
For ENGLISH press #1
Not now. lewinsky is bending over and I am fixated on her G string
If you think the President is a total failure, press 1…if…
"Hey Mon..you promised me & me amigos another 30,000 guns & Rocket Launchers you gilipollas..produce or we tell Mrs. O you ate a burrito when you were down here"
Joe, are you getting into the bubble wrap again?
I just caught an episode of Gene Simmons Family Jewels on A&E, Did you know he's a JEW ? Can we deport that bastard for not sharing his wealth ?
Hello, GoDaddy ? I wanna buy rushlimbaugh.com ….
Is your pizza halal?
Make sure no one from Fox News gets out alive.
Hello, Atlas moving, looks like I will need those 4 trucks Jan 2013.
Hello, MSNBC? I'm just going over the questions your going to ask me, you can ask me questions # 8, 12, 13 and 25. Remember make me look good and blame the GOP.
Send in the flying monkeys, and bring Rush Limbaugh alive.
Bin Ladin is alive and driving a taxi in Times Square? He just picked up Biden?
Nancy what are you wearing?
I really really need this on a teleprompter so that I can read it.
Hello, Harry? This bill making me supreme ruler for life is too short, add another 5000 pages.
So you don't deliver to Pennsylvania Ave.? How about if I meet you at the Smithsonian?
What ? Poll numbers are down among african americans ?! Did you remind them I'm part black ?
Is this Laura Bush? Yes, could you show my wife how to pick good clothes?
"umm, yea, take their money and give it to them, then take it and then give it to them. Repeat."
"No no no, take the employers money and give it to the UNEMPLOYED.
Hey John,have the peasants caught on to just how bad we screwed'em yet?
(on the phone) I'm sorry but your prayer rug won't be cleaned and back untill next week.
Uh, Hi China, I need your help again
Joe, are you prank calling me again?
You think I can blame the fact that I suck on that advise GW gave me ?
No the dog ate the constitution. I have a new set of commandments to replace it though…